Attorneys claim damages in hundreds of trillions of Indian rupees
The legal team of approximately four thousand lawyers, consultants and former street-fighting champions have released a statement claiming the internets are singlehandedly and maliciously responsible for the attempted (yet flummoxably unsuccessful) character assassination of all-around-bad-ass, American hero Chuck Norris.
Despite 9/10 (formerly breathing) dentists advising against it, Chuck Norris uses uzis to brush his teeth, and absolutely never flosses.
While exact records remain spotty, experts assert that all 1,037,412 people who ever considered assassinating Norris’ character (let alone come within 100 yards of his aura) simply spontaneously combusted.
Gene Blatchford, a nobel laureate with a PhD in Norrisology from Stratford, believes that even their souls were obliterated from spacetime.
“Not to sound callous,” Blatchford callously explained, “But these idiots who thought their thoughtcrimes were going to go unnoticed and unpunished in the same plane of existence of Chuck Norris, well, then they deserve every bit of soul obliteration they receive.”
Posters like this have been circulating the internet for years. Norris' lawyers vehemently deny that he wants you to bleed, but rather wants you to never stop bleeding, so he can effectively and gratuitously water his lawn.
When questioned about Norris’ recent lawsuit against “The Internet”, Mr. Blatchford attempted to offer some insight.
“That’s doctor Blatchford,” the Dr. chummily and unconvincingly insisted. “Since hurting Chuck Norris’ feelings would violate both the 1st and 3rd laws of thermodynamics, it would be reckless and grossly irresponsible to speculate about the catalyst for the emergence of this legal army and its vendetta against all things online.”
When pressed, Blatchford offered to speculate just a tiny bit.
“My highly astute and educated guess would be that poor Chuck couldn’t handle being the punchline of Chuck Norris jokes anymore, despite their invariable appeal to his godlike powers of omniscience and omnipotence. Oh, and due to the shocking number of children who explode when writing the letters c-h-u-c-k in sequence, we can therefore infer The Norris to be omnimalevolent as well. Every time a child laughs, Chuck Norris kills 500 kittens and 40 puppies due to irritation and boredom.”
Norris awarding the Walker Texas Ranger Medal of Valor and Awesome. The decoration is rare and is typically awarded for acts of gross insubordination or violation of international law.
It turns out that Mr. Norris actually suffered a nervous breakdown due to the suffocating pressure “The Internet’ was placing on him to be a bigger deal than the universe itself. His emotional implosion caused seven tsunamis and a volcanic eruption in downtown Paris.
Norris’ legal team is insisting the United Nations draft a resolution that would convert and amalgamate all worldwide charities and NGOs into one, giant, wicked awesome fund, offering anger management and martial arts training to the globe’s inner-city youth, homeless, and homeless youth.
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