British Cardinal Saddened by Progress, Laments Emergence of Humanity from Dark Ages

Posted: April 23, 2012 in The Funny Pages

“I’m a giant douchebag!” Cardinal asserts

In the wake of recent comments made by Dark Overseer Extraordinaire Pope Benedict XVI, where he poignantly pointed to political and cultural trends in the United States that seek to legalize the abomination/fundamental human freedom of legalizing The Gay (marriage), British Cardinal Keith O’Brien has sought further clarification.

“Ok, so the other day when I was thinking about my daily act of penance and persecution, I quote-mined the shit out of, and deliberately took out of context from, the Declaration of Human Rights of the United Nations, to justify my myopic and bigoted view of fellow humans,” the Cardinal proudly proclaimed as he drank from a chalice containing the tears of African orphans.

Rocking Freudian anal sphincter architecture for 12 centuries.

“All right, and you may have heard rumours I insisted that legalizing gay marriage is tantamount to legalizing slavery, but as a representative of the Catholic Church, I have to say in our defense that we’re way off course for meeting our persecution quota.  If we don’t get our act together, we’re never going to cause the same amount of suffering and misery as we did last millennium.”

With mainstream religion coming under increasing criticism and scrutiny, the Church is grasping at straws to assert its monopoly over unnecessary strife and conflict.

“Sadly, the golden age of enslavement and genocide is in our past,” Cardinal O’Brien choked through tears.  “If I could invent a time machine (or borrow a DeLorean), I’d totally check out some good old fashioned Inquisitioning and Crusading, after a brief stopover in 1955 to make sure Marty McFly’s parents still get together.”

Vatican Council: Where red hats and bad ideas come together.

When asked about papal infallibility and the Church’s accordingly ironic record of gross errors and miscalculation, O’Brien scoffed and waved his hand derisively.  “You’re damn straight the Pope was right about Galileo being wrong about heliocentricity, even when the Pope was extremely wrong about Galileo being wrong about heliocentricity!” the Cardinal angrily exclaimed, before launching into an extended version of his typical diatribe.

“Sure, I guess we’re sort of mostly all God’s children, but I’m quite certain that Satan made The Gay.”

We's richer than cheesecake, yo.

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