Archive for the ‘The Funny Pages’ Category

Grand New Subway Scheme Developed by Ford

“Mayor” Rob Ford loves subways.  He loves them so much, he plans to build more .  Lots more.

Out on a super high after scrapping the wholly reasonable and prudent light rail plans for Scarborough in favour of a slower, costlier subway with fewer stops, Ford is expanding his grand vision even further.

“Cost be damned!” roared Ford at a press conference full of frightened journalists.  “I know I said we would derail the gravy train and keep taxes low, but hey, in politics, sometimes or always, you need to go back on your commitments.  That’s just the way the delicious white chocolate macadamia nut cookie crumbles.”

His excellence and grand, grandness, the honourable Rob Ford

His excellence and grand, grandness, the honourable Rob Ford.

Ford took a moment to catch exasperated breath and munched on what appeared to be a delicious white chocolate macadamia nut cookie, although the white chocolate chunks could have been another myserious, white, cloudy, rocky substance.

“My mandate coming into the election was to bring what matters most to my constituents:  Subways™!  And what constituent matters most, if not me?”

The Mayor then bellowed, “Hit it, Doug!” as his brother unveiled a giant bristol board with flashing LED lights with “My Subway™ Plan” scrawled across the top.

Mayor Ford has been known to have a bit of a weakness for fast food, when he notoriously ducked into a KFC during his diet debacle last year.   However, in a partial bid for a more balanced diet, Ford has partnered with local entrepreneurs interested in opening new Subway franchises across the GTA.

“This new partnership will bring scrumptious Subways™ to every corner of this great city of Toronto.  You great citizens demand and deserve greatness, so here it is.  Don’t choke on it.”

City of Dreams

“As you can see, this plan is truly great.  All the new Subways™ are shown here by a blue X, the colour that I chose myself.    I even drew this map all by myself, even though my 6 year-old daughter pleaded with me to let her “make it look respec-ble.  Kids are so cute!”

“As you all may have noticed,” Ford explained, pointing along the city’s often-jammed expressways, “we need to cram Subways™ along the Don Valley coridoor and Gardner to bring rapid food to people rapidly.”

Beaming and tumescent with excitement, Ford detailed the part of the plan that he is most proud of.

“Here’s the part of the plan that I’m most proud of!  Since I’m the city’s greatest constituent, and I’ve already brought all these great new Subways™ to the city, why not reward myself with a personal underground subway system that runs from my house to all my favourite fast food establishments, and also to my office, where I do all my great work?”

Over a dozen reporters shot their hands in response to the mayor’s ill-fated rhetorical question.

“Does this look like a question and answer session, or even a democracy?  Save your questions for someone who won’t have a totally bad-ass underground private system shuttling them to and from work/food.”

The new plan, estimated to cost approximately $47.3 billion, will be paid for by the citizens of Toronto through a 1200% property tax hike, and kickbacks generated from all the sweet new Subway™ franchise owners.

More details soon.

Pattern of behaviour deemed completely normal and typically welcomed by Canadian employers

A Toronto man has made a public pledge that his right to continue dropping deadly deuces at work – and forcing others to discover and dispose of his public donations – is enshrined in the Canadian constitution; anyone who challenges this right “hates freedom”.

“Ichben ein Porta Potty!” declared Torontonian Gerald T Hashbrown, as he flashed the “V” sign to reporters, which incidentally also signifies poopage.

“I’m sick and tired of the bleeding hearts who say that I should flush the toilet after I’m done defacing it.  I don’t have to do shit.  That’s what janitors are paid to do.  Maybe they should do their jobs.”

Bathroom at Urban Outfitters makes baby Jesus weep tears of breast milk.

Bathroom at Urban Outfitters makes baby Jesus weep tears of breast milk.

When confronted with statistics that show 98% of bathroom oversight discoveries are found by unwitting, benign entities such as co-workers and children during “Bring your Child to Work Day”, Hashbrown became irate, and promised his “smear campaign” would continue unabated across the city.

“If my employer wants to fire my ass because I love freedom, then I’ll take this shit straight to the Human Rights Commission.  Don’t think I won’t do it.  I will.  You think I have anything better to do?” Hashbrown queried rhetorically as he demanded to know where the closest washroom was.

Leaked documents from two of Hashbrown’s former employers outline disciplinary action taken against him for refusing to flush both toilets and urinals, actions that fly in the face of all modern customs and conventions pertaining to fair washroom use.

Head of University of Toronto’s criminal psychology department, Fred DeRange, sees this flagrant disregard for human decency as a growing trend.

“Some workers become disgruntled with their employers and feel the best way to relay their discontent is through what I like to call, ‘excretion expression’,” DeRange explained.  “Most will find their outlet through fingerpainting or sculpting, but others lash out.

Employers are encouraged to place signs in bathrooms such as “Please flush if you drop the mush” or “Failure to flush will result in summary judgement”.

Shameless opportunism or delightful direct-to-consumer marketing?

In the wake of Toronto’s record torrential downpour, Doug Ford, in an effort to bring some polish back to the otherwise comprehensively tarnished Ford name, took to the streets Monday night to help ease mayhem and soothe disgruntled drivers.

“That’s what a butane lighter is for!” roared Doug “The Enforcer” Ford, leaning into a motorist’s car, slapping him on the shoulder, and tossing a zip lock bag on the passenger seat.  “Rain ain’t got nothin’ on butane!  That’ll be $40.”

The increased traffic at Islington and Dixon was the opportunity of a monthtime, one that Ford simply couldn’t afford to pass up.

My life is a joke!

“I must have moved 15,000, 20,000 dime bags through that intersection, easy,”  Ford boasted.

When informed that a spokeswoman for Toronto police said that people directing heavy traffic (emphasis added) may put them in a “risky situation”, Ford became irritable, citing hundreds of instances of being in risky situations, such as going into “Big Willy’s Drug Den” on the west end to make a 2 kilo score, carrying nothing but a switchblade in one hand and his balls in the other.

“Don’t get me wrong,” Ford explained, “I make a mint at city hall.  This is just gravy.”

In other news, Mayor Rob Ford has reopened 11 public swimming pools that had been shut down due to belt-tightening measures after Mayor Ford kept breaking every belt.

Washington may be forced to turn Eastern seaboard into epic sweatshop to make payments

With talks earlier this year of raising the national debt ceiling, it is now widely known that the United States owes a shit ton of money to China, and is apparently attempting a throw-back to 1920s-style reckless debt acquisition, since the European Union can probably toss them a bailout if need be.

While some economists remain baffled as to China’s seemingly arbitrary full payment request, industrial and economic experts in China and Europe are lauding the bold move.

“Some might consider it a bit of a lender/borrower party foul,” explained the European Union’s chief economic adviser, Burlap Hussington.  “It makes total sense for China to force America into default if it’s going to assert military superiority of its secret army of spaceships and party-time robots.”

Terror-inflicting, Ping Pong-playing robots like this may one day enslave mankind, or at least solve the problem that your kid has no friends to play with.

China has long been suspected of carrying out an illegal and clandestine super-awesome space program.  Thought to be driven by American tourists-turned-slaves on vacation, the UN has briefly alluded to talking about something that might lead to something that was somehow related to talks of sanctions, before China said it would use its veto anyway.

After the collapse of the Soviet Union, the ending of the Cold War, and America’s continuing decisive victory in the War on Terror, a new Lukewarm War with Communist China seems inevitable.

Former Republican presidential candidate and long-term thinker Newt Gingrich may have been onto something when he declared his plans to put a mining colony on the moon by 2020.  Many political observers, however, think it was likely a guise to conceal progress made by Washington’s own party-time robot and “Star Wars” Strategic Defense Initiative anti-missile program first devised by America’s greatest president of all time – Ronald Reagan – back in 1983.  Racking up credit with the Chinese, only to use the cash to blow up their Commie shit, would be poetic, ironic, and strangely beautiful.

One small step for a Newt, one giant leap for sensibility.

Speaking on condition of anonymity, a leading CIA official is taking a hard stance and refuses to bow to Chinese pressure, despite his personal success with acupuncture therapy.

“China would like to think they have us by the balls, but that’s only half true,” he said defiantly.  “It’s more like they have one ball, and it’s a little sweaty, so their grip isn’t really all that great.  We’ve got some really bad-ass spies over there who have uncovered their plans to launch nuclear weapons at the planned lunar city site of New Newtgingrichshire,” he continued.  “We just think it’s a lot of talk.  Well, we also kinda need to assume, since our guys only speak Cantonese and are still working on their Mandarin.”

The C.I.A. has a proud tradition of keeping America safe through propping up policy-friendly insurgencies abroad. You know, like the Taliban.

Sabre-rattling in Congress has already begun, as over 50 Republican representatives wish to extend Bush’s “Axis of Evil” designation to Russia, China, and for the nostalgia factor, Germany and Japan.

More details as they develop.

“I’m a giant douchebag!” Cardinal asserts

In the wake of recent comments made by Dark Overseer Extraordinaire Pope Benedict XVI, where he poignantly pointed to political and cultural trends in the United States that seek to legalize the abomination/fundamental human freedom of legalizing The Gay (marriage), British Cardinal Keith O’Brien has sought further clarification.

“Ok, so the other day when I was thinking about my daily act of penance and persecution, I quote-mined the shit out of, and deliberately took out of context from, the Declaration of Human Rights of the United Nations, to justify my myopic and bigoted view of fellow humans,” the Cardinal proudly proclaimed as he drank from a chalice containing the tears of African orphans.

Rocking Freudian anal sphincter architecture for 12 centuries.

“All right, and you may have heard rumours I insisted that legalizing gay marriage is tantamount to legalizing slavery, but as a representative of the Catholic Church, I have to say in our defense that we’re way off course for meeting our persecution quota.  If we don’t get our act together, we’re never going to cause the same amount of suffering and misery as we did last millennium.”

With mainstream religion coming under increasing criticism and scrutiny, the Church is grasping at straws to assert its monopoly over unnecessary strife and conflict.

“Sadly, the golden age of enslavement and genocide is in our past,” Cardinal O’Brien choked through tears.  “If I could invent a time machine (or borrow a DeLorean), I’d totally check out some good old fashioned Inquisitioning and Crusading, after a brief stopover in 1955 to make sure Marty McFly’s parents still get together.”

Vatican Council: Where red hats and bad ideas come together.

When asked about papal infallibility and the Church’s accordingly ironic record of gross errors and miscalculation, O’Brien scoffed and waved his hand derisively.  “You’re damn straight the Pope was right about Galileo being wrong about heliocentricity, even when the Pope was extremely wrong about Galileo being wrong about heliocentricity!” the Cardinal angrily exclaimed, before launching into an extended version of his typical diatribe.

“Sure, I guess we’re sort of mostly all God’s children, but I’m quite certain that Satan made The Gay.”

We's richer than cheesecake, yo.

Attorneys claim damages in hundreds of trillions of Indian rupees

The legal team of approximately four thousand lawyers, consultants and former  street-fighting champions have released a statement claiming the internets are singlehandedly and maliciously responsible for the attempted  (yet flummoxably unsuccessful) character assassination of all-around-bad-ass, American hero Chuck Norris.

Despite 9/10 (formerly breathing) dentists advising against it, Chuck Norris uses uzis to brush his teeth, and absolutely never flosses.

While exact records remain spotty, experts assert that all 1,037,412 people who ever considered assassinating Norris’ character (let alone come within 100 yards of his aura) simply spontaneously combusted.

Gene Blatchford, a nobel laureate with a PhD in Norrisology from Stratford, believes that even their souls were obliterated from spacetime.

“Not to sound callous,” Blatchford callously explained, “But these idiots who thought their thoughtcrimes were going to go unnoticed and unpunished in the same plane of existence of Chuck Norris, well, then they deserve every  bit of soul obliteration they receive.”

Posters like this have been circulating the internet for years. Norris' lawyers vehemently deny that he wants you to bleed, but rather wants you to never stop bleeding, so he can effectively and gratuitously water his lawn.

When questioned about Norris’ recent lawsuit against “The Internet”, Mr. Blatchford attempted to offer some insight.

“That’s doctor Blatchford,” the Dr. chummily and unconvincingly insisted.  “Since hurting Chuck Norris’ feelings would violate both the 1st and 3rd laws of thermodynamics, it would be reckless and grossly irresponsible to speculate about the catalyst for the emergence of this legal army and its vendetta against all things online.”

When pressed, Blatchford offered to speculate just a tiny bit.

“My highly astute and educated guess would be that poor Chuck couldn’t handle being the punchline of Chuck Norris jokes anymore, despite their invariable appeal to his godlike powers of omniscience and omnipotence.  Oh, and due to the shocking number of children who explode when writing the letters c-h-u-c-k in sequence, we can therefore infer The Norris to be omnimalevolent as well.  Every time a child laughs, Chuck Norris kills 500 kittens and 40 puppies due to irritation and boredom.”

Norris awarding the Walker Texas Ranger Medal of Valor and Awesome. The decoration is rare and is typically awarded for acts of gross insubordination or violation of international law.

It turns out that Mr. Norris actually suffered a nervous breakdown due to the suffocating pressure “The Internet’ was placing on him to be a bigger deal than the universe itself.  His emotional implosion caused seven tsunamis and a volcanic eruption in downtown Paris.

Norris’ legal team is insisting the United Nations draft a resolution that would convert and amalgamate all worldwide charities and NGOs into one, giant, wicked awesome fund, offering anger management and martial arts training to the globe’s inner-city youth, homeless, and homeless youth.

Cash-strapped city in dire need of cash infusion as “Cash Man” Russel Oliver declines  purchasing mayor’s “shiny things”

Mayor Rob Ford likes subways.

He likes them so much, that he’s willing to build a very small quantity of them, while magnanimously offering the taxpayers the bill.

"What, me, mayor? Get outta here!"

Despite a plethora of evidence suggesting that light rail above-ground transit is more cost-effective than its heavy, subterranean, ugly best friend, Ford’s plans for “Transit City” are going full steam ahead.

Yet an uproar from Toronto’s reasonable citizens has given Ford pause, and he is now desperately searching for ways to fund his program without dipping into the city’s coffers.

Ford held a press conference this morning where he repeatedly premised subsequent schemes with, “Remember: there are no bad ideas in brainstorming, guys.”

“So I was sitting with the wife this morning eating second breakfast when it hit me: we could save huge money on road repairs if people just don’t drive on the weekend,” Ford proudly proclaimed to a sea of visibly nervous journalists.  “People love walking, I hear that, right? Now, walking can be this sort of civic duty that will eventually be rewarded by the opportunity to ride the Sheppard subway line to Scarborough. ”

This fraternal game of leap frog was doomed from the moment of conception.

The question-and-answer period was fraught with Ford’s angry retorts, such as, “I’m not ‘on’ anything, and I resent that.  I mean, I was Hooked on Phonics for a few months in grade 4 but I put an end to it fast, I promise you that.”

Among the more controversial ideas was the notion of preemptively ceding the Niagara Region to the United States, while retaining rights to tax those who go over the Falls in a barrel.

“I’ve been to Niagara Falls.  It’s just a bunch of water.  No one’s going to miss it,” Ford declared, taking a bite of salami.  “If President Obama can win a Nobel Peace Prize for ending slavery, then, well, this is something,” Ford said, betraying a fundamental misunderstanding of  both foreign policy and domestic jurisdiction.

Maybe if I pray hard enough no one will notice my gross ineptitude and affinity for the ludicrous and nonsensical.

With the hall emptying as many journalists scurried to cover more worthwhile news, the mayor read from his list proudly and diligently, pausing for neither new bullet-point nor period.

“Ok, so get this: sheltered moving walkways at the harbourfront.  That way you don’t get rained on in the rain.  Or maybe it’s a sunny, beautiful, summer day and nature is just too much for you – BAM sheltered, air-conditioned, moving walkway.  I can keep going,” Ford said to a near-empty conference.  “And we charge people for the pleasure of these walkways, you see.  That’s how we get the money.”

"Yes...yes...excellent. I'm an idea man, like that sexy Don Draper on Mad Men," Ford said with glee.

Pandering to those siting on city council, the mayor wishes to spearhead a partnership with Burger King and McDonalds, installing slot machines and blackjack tables in restaurants and children play areas.

“We need to get these kids conditioned to gamble away all their earnings at an early age.  Toddler-friendly penny slots are the future and will for sure guarantee the city will never have a budget shortfall ever again!” Ford exclaimed, red-faced and making the slot-pulling, “cha-ching” gesture fist pump.

An artist's rendering of a typical, newly-renovated Burger King. The large conveyor belt which will supply an endless stream of whoppers and fries. Also note the giant carts which will be used to shuttle families between slot machines and bathrooms.

“And don’t worry, I’ve got a plan for the adults, too:  Skinny Tax.  Believe me, there’s nothing in the world quite like gorging a double whopper with cheese while doubling down on the mortgage down payment at a spiffy Burger King blackjack table.”

Despite impending sundown and the cleaning staff entering the room and stacking chairs, mayor Ford described his plans to turn Toronto’s Centre Island into a penal colony to generate funds.

“Have you guys ever seen Escape from Alcatraz?  What a great movie.  We’ll bulldoze all the residences and turn Centre Island into a reality tv show with battles to the death and roulette tables!  It’ll be so boss.  If that doesn’t work, we’ll just slap some Pepsi ads on homeless people.”

Ford closed with his plan to promote Toronto as a world-class city by strapping a giant wavy banner on the CN Tower, reading “Toronto is a World Class City!

Talk to your Dr. about Cialis today.