Attorneys claim damages in hundreds of trillions of Indian rupees

The legal team of approximately four thousand lawyers, consultants and former  street-fighting champions have released a statement claiming the internets are singlehandedly and maliciously responsible for the attempted  (yet flummoxably unsuccessful) character assassination of all-around-bad-ass, American hero Chuck Norris.

Despite 9/10 (formerly breathing) dentists advising against it, Chuck Norris uses uzis to brush his teeth, and absolutely never flosses.

While exact records remain spotty, experts assert that all 1,037,412 people who ever considered assassinating Norris’ character (let alone come within 100 yards of his aura) simply spontaneously combusted.

Gene Blatchford, a nobel laureate with a PhD in Norrisology from Stratford, believes that even their souls were obliterated from spacetime.

“Not to sound callous,” Blatchford callously explained, “But these idiots who thought their thoughtcrimes were going to go unnoticed and unpunished in the same plane of existence of Chuck Norris, well, then they deserve every  bit of soul obliteration they receive.”

Posters like this have been circulating the internet for years. Norris' lawyers vehemently deny that he wants you to bleed, but rather wants you to never stop bleeding, so he can effectively and gratuitously water his lawn.

When questioned about Norris’ recent lawsuit against “The Internet”, Mr. Blatchford attempted to offer some insight.

“That’s doctor Blatchford,” the Dr. chummily and unconvincingly insisted.  “Since hurting Chuck Norris’ feelings would violate both the 1st and 3rd laws of thermodynamics, it would be reckless and grossly irresponsible to speculate about the catalyst for the emergence of this legal army and its vendetta against all things online.”

When pressed, Blatchford offered to speculate just a tiny bit.

“My highly astute and educated guess would be that poor Chuck couldn’t handle being the punchline of Chuck Norris jokes anymore, despite their invariable appeal to his godlike powers of omniscience and omnipotence.  Oh, and due to the shocking number of children who explode when writing the letters c-h-u-c-k in sequence, we can therefore infer The Norris to be omnimalevolent as well.  Every time a child laughs, Chuck Norris kills 500 kittens and 40 puppies due to irritation and boredom.”

Norris awarding the Walker Texas Ranger Medal of Valor and Awesome. The decoration is rare and is typically awarded for acts of gross insubordination or violation of international law.

It turns out that Mr. Norris actually suffered a nervous breakdown due to the suffocating pressure “The Internet’ was placing on him to be a bigger deal than the universe itself.  His emotional implosion caused seven tsunamis and a volcanic eruption in downtown Paris.

Norris’ legal team is insisting the United Nations draft a resolution that would convert and amalgamate all worldwide charities and NGOs into one, giant, wicked awesome fund, offering anger management and martial arts training to the globe’s inner-city youth, homeless, and homeless youth.

Cash-strapped city in dire need of cash infusion as “Cash Man” Russel Oliver declines  purchasing mayor’s “shiny things”

Mayor Rob Ford likes subways.

He likes them so much, that he’s willing to build a very small quantity of them, while magnanimously offering the taxpayers the bill.

"What, me, mayor? Get outta here!"

Despite a plethora of evidence suggesting that light rail above-ground transit is more cost-effective than its heavy, subterranean, ugly best friend, Ford’s plans for “Transit City” are going full steam ahead.

Yet an uproar from Toronto’s reasonable citizens has given Ford pause, and he is now desperately searching for ways to fund his program without dipping into the city’s coffers.

Ford held a press conference this morning where he repeatedly premised subsequent schemes with, “Remember: there are no bad ideas in brainstorming, guys.”

“So I was sitting with the wife this morning eating second breakfast when it hit me: we could save huge money on road repairs if people just don’t drive on the weekend,” Ford proudly proclaimed to a sea of visibly nervous journalists.  “People love walking, I hear that, right? Now, walking can be this sort of civic duty that will eventually be rewarded by the opportunity to ride the Sheppard subway line to Scarborough. ”

This fraternal game of leap frog was doomed from the moment of conception.

The question-and-answer period was fraught with Ford’s angry retorts, such as, “I’m not ‘on’ anything, and I resent that.  I mean, I was Hooked on Phonics for a few months in grade 4 but I put an end to it fast, I promise you that.”

Among the more controversial ideas was the notion of preemptively ceding the Niagara Region to the United States, while retaining rights to tax those who go over the Falls in a barrel.

“I’ve been to Niagara Falls.  It’s just a bunch of water.  No one’s going to miss it,” Ford declared, taking a bite of salami.  “If President Obama can win a Nobel Peace Prize for ending slavery, then, well, this is something,” Ford said, betraying a fundamental misunderstanding of  both foreign policy and domestic jurisdiction.

Maybe if I pray hard enough no one will notice my gross ineptitude and affinity for the ludicrous and nonsensical.

With the hall emptying as many journalists scurried to cover more worthwhile news, the mayor read from his list proudly and diligently, pausing for neither new bullet-point nor period.

“Ok, so get this: sheltered moving walkways at the harbourfront.  That way you don’t get rained on in the rain.  Or maybe it’s a sunny, beautiful, summer day and nature is just too much for you – BAM sheltered, air-conditioned, moving walkway.  I can keep going,” Ford said to a near-empty conference.  “And we charge people for the pleasure of these walkways, you see.  That’s how we get the money.”

"Yes...yes...excellent. I'm an idea man, like that sexy Don Draper on Mad Men," Ford said with glee.

Pandering to those siting on city council, the mayor wishes to spearhead a partnership with Burger King and McDonalds, installing slot machines and blackjack tables in restaurants and children play areas.

“We need to get these kids conditioned to gamble away all their earnings at an early age.  Toddler-friendly penny slots are the future and will for sure guarantee the city will never have a budget shortfall ever again!” Ford exclaimed, red-faced and making the slot-pulling, “cha-ching” gesture fist pump.

An artist's rendering of a typical, newly-renovated Burger King. The large conveyor belt which will supply an endless stream of whoppers and fries. Also note the giant carts which will be used to shuttle families between slot machines and bathrooms.

“And don’t worry, I’ve got a plan for the adults, too:  Skinny Tax.  Believe me, there’s nothing in the world quite like gorging a double whopper with cheese while doubling down on the mortgage down payment at a spiffy Burger King blackjack table.”

Despite impending sundown and the cleaning staff entering the room and stacking chairs, mayor Ford described his plans to turn Toronto’s Centre Island into a penal colony to generate funds.

“Have you guys ever seen Escape from Alcatraz?  What a great movie.  We’ll bulldoze all the residences and turn Centre Island into a reality tv show with battles to the death and roulette tables!  It’ll be so boss.  If that doesn’t work, we’ll just slap some Pepsi ads on homeless people.”

Ford closed with his plan to promote Toronto as a world-class city by strapping a giant wavy banner on the CN Tower, reading “Toronto is a World Class City!

Talk to your Dr. about Cialis today.

God hatred runs amok in American heartland

Reuterz

A behind-the-scenes expose airing tomorrow night at 9 on Fox reveals the growing trend across the spectrum, from pro boxers to paraplegics to paraplegic former pro boxers.

He says to stop pestering him every time you shoot a free throw.

Thousands of crushing defeats at hundreds of high schools, sports stadiums, exam halls and chess matches across America are wreaking havoc on the greatness that is the American Psyche.

“I couldn’t have done this without my mom,” sniffed Art Simon, a 17 year-old high school football legend-in-the-making, while being interviewed for the school newspaper.  “She works 80 hours a week to pay for my equipment, violin lessons, and violin equipment.  But she can’t do anything for me while I’m on the field.  I have to rely on my superior physical prowess and game-time strategery.  Sometimes, though, I need to lean on you, Jesus.”

Simon took a long pause, then continued, choking back tears of penitent anger.

“I mean, God, come on, man, it’s almost like you were helping the other team or something.  We prayed before the game, during the game, we even prayed while cursing you as that douche Grimsby missed the 7-yard field goal.”

You're really going to have to try harder than that if you want special attention.

When asked if there were any outside factors responsible, aside from interim head coach and full-time  guidance counsellor Mr. Grieves, and the repeated storming of the field by school mascot Gerald the Giraffe, Simon replied, “God.  I’d like to blame God.  Sure, yeah, I thanked Him repeatedly for our 15-game winning streak and thanked Him again for Coach Jameson getting herpes from the tainted Gatorade and not me.  But this is different.  We lost, dude.”

Disenchanted players, coaches, cheerleaders, and parents living vicariously through their children have had their faith in God all but destroyed.

Studies suggest that 99.63% of American high school and professional athletes practice at least one kind of deity worship during pre-game.  The remaining .37% may constitute a slight statistical anomaly or simply represent godless, science-worshipping heathens.

These studies incorporated thousands if not tens of millions of Americans and implements a new research technique devised by the truth experts at Fox News.

On a related note, a 20/20 special airs next week about Oceanic flight 415, the doomed airliner that saw 268 of its 269 passengers die a fiery then watery death in the Atlantic last December.  The documentary explores the heart-wrenching story of the 268 victims’ families who came under national scrutiny and received death threats after collectively blaming God for the plane crash.  Evangelicals across the country insist that the incident was, in fact, a miracle, due to the miraculous survival of little 3 year-old “Jimmy the Orphan”, who drifted to shore on a life raft he hastily yet craftily fashioned out of the bloated bodies of his parents.

"WHY"? He did it for the lolz, obviously.

“Cheating” now considered “playing by the rules”

Not that kind of cheating, douche.

The fine arts of philandering and whoring have achieved a monumental and “game”-changing coup – “Infidelity is the new fidelity,” says relationship and dating guru George “G Spot” Jamison, head of the Head Institute of New Hampshire.

This paradigm-annihilating development will likely convert monogamy-abiding citizens into 21st century lepers that not even the messiah could cure.

Analysts predicted that cheating may have lasted perhaps 20-25 years longer, unabated.  Now, doing the dirty with dirty downstairs Dorothy can transpire – guilt-free – while within the confines of a loveless and fruitless partnership.

Many industry experts say the revolution will single-handedly force AshleyMadison.com out of business.  The site has been the last bastion of the institution of cheating and its proponents are defiantly defending it.  Once a profile is created, people engage in the time-honoured tradition of lying to their prospective partners and keeping local businesses’ doors open.

 

Why these two chicks would dare dig a dude whose idea of a good time is taking them out to a couch and staring at a blank wall is beyond me.

Jay Morrison, an industry expert from a leading New York advertising firm thinks this is good news for the condom and abortion industries.

“I’m really impressed with Infidelity’s aggressive re-branding,” remarked Morrison.  “Making marriage obsolete has been Infidelity’s modus operandi.”

The national guard was called to restore order in several American cities.  An endless sea of abortion doctors engaged in massive orgies, dining on a feast of delicious first-term fetuses, flavoured with the ambrosia of stem cells and amniotic fluid.

“We’re partying like it’s 1899!” exclaimed Dr. Robert “The Vacuum” Jackson.  He was of course referring to the golden (and occasionally gilded) age of spousal abuse and marital rape.  “With everyone fucking like mad, I get paid.”

Some television networks have also experienced adverse effects, as all 112 divorce court shows were promptly cancelled.  Further relationship-relevant shows were axed, including the infamously incredible show “Cheaters”, which is considered  the holy grail of legitimized, televised infidelity.

I'm pretty sure I heard that this guy got shanked while filming. Travesty.

Language experts at Cambridge University insist that the dictionary definitions for “cheating” and for “loyalty” should be flipped.

“The new societal norm will mean that cheating will refer to the sad, pathetic and loveless institution of lame marriage and commitment.”

Scientists at CERN – The European Organization for Nuclear Research – warn this change could endanger existence itself.  Colliding sub-atomic particles at 99.9% the speed of light for shits and giggles, their work can sometimes be misconstrued or blown out of proportion.  Dr. Heinz Shicklegruber lent his own 2012 Armageddon predictions, as he took a moment from shredding his divorce papers.

“Remember back in 2008 when everybody went bananas about the mini black holes we were possibly making?  This is far, far worse.  In an effort to fit in, people may try to “cheat” before they are even as yet “committed”, thereby creating a chicken-and-the-egg time paradox that could annihilate the fabric of spacetime and the Universe itself.

“But hey, you only live once.”

We were tasked with writing an ad for a “vacation rental by owner”, with the caveat that we needed to advertise the place where we actually live.  Obviously all our dwellings are rental-worthy.

To get started, Rick gave us the headline, “Right where you want to be.”

He advised that by choosing a voice and how it speaks can affect the idea itself.  I may have taken that a bit literally as I employed my faux-English accent.

We only had about 20 minutes and no chance to proofread.

So, due to popular demand, the following is a Birnbaum-approved-un-proofread-unedited-unabridged-unusually-awesome message:

Dear fellow traveler,

If you’re reading this, you’ve no doubt found the buried treasure and my bounty of soft silks. The accompanying map marked with an X, I assure you, is right where you want to be.

I came across this subterranean oasis as I traveled north on Bathurst near Lawrence during the great storm of ’98.

As you descend the luscious carpeted staircase, you’ll immediately feel the warm embrace of central heating and the guiding light of energy-efficient light bulbs.

Stroll into the kitchen and be tempted and tantalized by the veritable cornucopia of culinary delights, from frozen turkey burgers and protein bars to microwave popcorn and beef jerky.

Saunter into the living room and, my dear comrade, feel right where you want to be. Kick back and relax in the blue La-Z-Boy of dreams in 150 sq feet of comfort and intrigue. The 46″ plasma television yields a window into HD glory, an experience you will never forget.

Soft, natural light peers through surprisingly large underground windows, illuminating the walls decorated with captivating yet welcoming Second World War propaganda.

When your relaxation and enjoyment have peaked, you’ll be drawn to the bedroom, where a double bed is enhanced with both delightful flannel sheeting and a foam mattress topper that will seize your weary body and not release it until dawn.  A 2nd, 27″ standard definition television will infomercial you softly to sleep.

Please pass on this information to the next journeyman who seeks a brief respite. $250/week gets you right where you want to be. Call now before someone else stumbles upon this discovery of a lifetime.

End.

As a constant observer and often trailblazer of anthropology, I’ve noticed certain trends when people are confronted with the non-evolutionary phenomenon of staircases.  By no means are these behaviours relegated to the following descriptions but they are a tool to understanding why people climb stairs the way they do.

This infernal creation will ultimately make stair-climbers of all walks of life completely extinct and therefore quite, quite sad.

The Gentleman

The Gentleman oft keeps one hand loosely on the rail.  His head looks straight up; to the future, to success.

The Lady

The Lady is in many ways similar to the Gentleman, only she grips the hand rail more tightly, like the control she has over her destiny.  She will look up as the Gentleman does but will also look down at the steps, mindful of the terrible abyss her life may descend into should she misstep.

The Journeyman

The Journeyman is no stranger to staircases or low-rise apartment entryways.  Usually upbeat, sending positive energy into the Universe, he may occasionally break into a short, arm-immobilized-at-sides-shuffle-climb.  Each step is considered but the escalation becomes natural, endearing, making slight shuffling sounds like an elderly woman using a walker in a hurry.

What's difficult to ascertain from a still image is the fact that this man is actually descending 7 steps at a time, both backwardly and unapologetically.

The Hastened Traveller

While there exist a great many impetus for one to increase the speed and momentum of stair-climbs, the Hastened Traveller is willing to take more exceptional risk in elevating.  This man will forego centuries-old established custom and convention of stepping one stair at a time; yes, he will put his arms in a running position and leap two stairs at once.

This uncommon approach – yet well worth the risk/reward  – affects approximately 5% of the male population but is absent in the female population.  We can clearly interpret a strong correlation and perhaps even a causal link between neurophysiology and the reaction of feet, calves, quads and knees to move.

The High School Running Back Football Champion

This type of stair-climber has been evolutionarily crafted to take full advantage of his clear environmental superiority.  With years of formal gymnastic, aerobic, feint and juke training, the High School Football Champion represses the knowledge of his devastating off-field, career-preventing, keg-stand-sitting testicle crushing.  He experiences blackouts, regaining lucidity amidst crowds of rushing rush hour rushers, ducking, weaving, gently patting-for-orienting as he flies by.  From afar, he appears to be ascending a fast-moving escalator with no stairs.  He will occasionally collide with innocent citizenry, prompting onlookers to display the sweeping condemnation of head shakery and general disdain.

Shit.

The Pensive, Deliberate Lunger

This defeated and pitiful approach leaves progressively more dignity behind with each successive step.  Shoulders in and head down, otherwise known as the “I’m about to be executed by decapitation without trial” stare, he sucks life and sympathy from those nearby.  Given up on life, ladies and the pursuit of dignity, the Pensive, Deliberate Lunger seeks pity no more than the love he received from his mother; which, incidentally, is negligible.  Oblivious to those around him, the PDC is continually engaged in deep thought, mostly about how to maximize the minimum amount of effort needed to not trip and fall backwards into his perpetual misery.

Photographic evidence of gratuitous stair-climbing is widespread across the Google imageosphere.

 

27/04/2012 update

The Descenders

While many of those classified in the ascenders category have similar descending traits, there are certainly some stark differences.

The Harried and Reckless Hopper

Most everyone heeds great caution and focus whilst descending stairwells, staircases and escalators.  The Harried and Reckless Hopper will, with apparent great concentration and determination, embrace the coming abyss two to three stairs simultaneously.

This skill does not come easily and according to palaeontologists and sociologists, often comes as a result of trial and error, determined by brain contusions, femur fractures, and scrotal tearing.

15% of this category will occasionally employ a coordinated descent with intermittent railing-grabbing.  Research experts view the lack of rail-grabbing akin to skydiving without a helmet.

The Weary Walker

Most commonly elderly men or recently downsized middle-aged douchebags, the Weary Walker cares not for the people he slows and/or fills with murderous rage behind him.

He does not hold the railing so much as he gently carresses it, usually due to loneliness or as a result of advanced rheumatoid arthritis.

Shoulders and gaze lowered, each slouched step is lightly dug into, a continuing metaphor for the shallowness and inevitability of being buried in the ground.

Data is inconclusive whether it may just be fatigue.

CLICK THE ENORMOUS PRAYING BABY TO CONTINUE THE GREATEST ADVENTURE EVER

Praying might help. God only knows.