White Florida Man Acquitted in New “Stand Your Mothafuckin’ Ground” Case

Posted: September 26, 2014 in Social Rants

Florida man undeterred, likely aroused by Southern riots

“Yeah, I was in a tank, so what?  He came at me with some kind of yellow grenade!”

67 year-old Vietnam war vet Duke Kensington of Fort Lauderdale has been acquitted by a jury of his sympathetic peers in the bad-ass death of local black teen, Demar White.

Have you ever thrown a skittle up in the air, try to catch it in your mouth, and then it hit your tooth? It totally hurts for like 5 seconds, bro.

On the fateful evening of December 20th 2012, Kensington was patrolling his neighbourhood, armed with his favourite AR-15 assault rifle, disgruntled by the spike in local burglaries and kids playing stick ball and selling lemonade in his neighbourhood.  He confronted two African American teens who were “demanding $0.25 for that shit ass lemonade”.

“I spit that shit right on the ground,” Kensington testified.  “It was easily the worst street lemonade I’d purchased that week.  The neighbourhood is overrun by these lemonade gangs and I just can’t take this shit no more!”

Witnesses recount that after flashing his “totally slick” assault rifle, the two 10-year-olds snickered, called him a pussy. and refunded his $0.25.

“I wasn’t about to take that insult to me and my people lying down.  Not me.  I’m a proud, white, lemonade connoisseur.”

What if it’s not some black kid under that hood, but a shape-shifting dragon? WHAT WOULD YOU DO THEN?

Kensington’s actions drew a great outpouring of condemnation.  After playing dozens of hours of Grand Theft Auto in his life, he marched to a local police station, hopped the fence, and hotwired a tank.

“It’s so damn awesome that American police departments are getting re-purposed hand-me-downs from the military,” he remarked as he adjusted his “borrowed” flak jacket and kevlar helmet.  “How else can I protect my family if not while driving a Mine Resistant Ambush Protected Tank?”

Militarizing police is the only way to keep white people safe from black people.

Witnesses report the ground shaking as Kensington rolled around the corner, his head popping out the side window, sporting aviator sunglasses, smoking a giant cigar, and bellowing Ride of the Valkyries.

Wishing to remain anonymous, one man recounts how “That crazy white dude came at poor Demar screaming ‘Don’t come at me!’ and ‘Your lemonade is shit!’ while he puffed on his cigar.  Demar reached under the table to grab a lemon, hoping to buy him off.  I heard how the crazy white dude said Demar had ‘some kind of yellow grenade’, which may be 15% true.”

“That crazy white dude kept going on and on, ‘I’m standing my ground, I’m standing my ground, I’m standing my ground’, pointing his assault rifle.  When Demar started to run away, I just heard ‘I’m standing my ground!’ when he shot Demar in the back.  So tragic…”

Explanation? Easy. Justice. Obviously.

When testifying at his own trial, Kensington maintained he stood his ground like the law told him, citing the law directly; he faced an “imminent and immediate threat of serious bodily harm or death”.

The jury of his all-white male peers found him not guilty, and explained “We glad to live in God’s country, ‘Murica, where ain’t nobody tell me to back away from’a fight.”

There are currently no plans to repeal the legislation.

It’s ‘Murca, bitches.

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