Rob Ford High on Life, Subways

Posted: July 18, 2013 in The Funny Pages

Grand New Subway Scheme Developed by Ford

“Mayor” Rob Ford loves subways.  He loves them so much, he plans to build more .  Lots more.

Out on a super high after scrapping the wholly reasonable and prudent light rail plans for Scarborough in favour of a slower, costlier subway with fewer stops, Ford is expanding his grand vision even further.

“Cost be damned!” roared Ford at a press conference full of frightened journalists.  “I know I said we would derail the gravy train and keep taxes low, but hey, in politics, sometimes or always, you need to go back on your commitments.  That’s just the way the delicious white chocolate macadamia nut cookie crumbles.”

His excellence and grand, grandness, the honourable Rob Ford

His excellence and grand, grandness, the honourable Rob Ford.

Ford took a moment to catch exasperated breath and munched on what appeared to be a delicious white chocolate macadamia nut cookie, although the white chocolate chunks could have been another myserious, white, cloudy, rocky substance.

“My mandate coming into the election was to bring what matters most to my constituents:  Subways™!  And what constituent matters most, if not me?”

The Mayor then bellowed, “Hit it, Doug!” as his brother unveiled a giant bristol board with flashing LED lights with “My Subway™ Plan” scrawled across the top.

Mayor Ford has been known to have a bit of a weakness for fast food, when he notoriously ducked into a KFC during his diet debacle last year.   However, in a partial bid for a more balanced diet, Ford has partnered with local entrepreneurs interested in opening new Subway franchises across the GTA.

“This new partnership will bring scrumptious Subways™ to every corner of this great city of Toronto.  You great citizens demand and deserve greatness, so here it is.  Don’t choke on it.”

City of Dreams

“As you can see, this plan is truly great.  All the new Subways™ are shown here by a blue X, the colour that I chose myself.    I even drew this map all by myself, even though my 6 year-old daughter pleaded with me to let her “make it look respec-ble.  Kids are so cute!”

“As you all may have noticed,” Ford explained, pointing along the city’s often-jammed expressways, “we need to cram Subways™ along the Don Valley coridoor and Gardner to bring rapid food to people rapidly.”

Beaming and tumescent with excitement, Ford detailed the part of the plan that he is most proud of.

“Here’s the part of the plan that I’m most proud of!  Since I’m the city’s greatest constituent, and I’ve already brought all these great new Subways™ to the city, why not reward myself with a personal underground subway system that runs from my house to all my favourite fast food establishments, and also to my office, where I do all my great work?”

Over a dozen reporters shot their hands in response to the mayor’s ill-fated rhetorical question.

“Does this look like a question and answer session, or even a democracy?  Save your questions for someone who won’t have a totally bad-ass underground private system shuttling them to and from work/food.”

The new plan, estimated to cost approximately $47.3 billion, will be paid for by the citizens of Toronto through a 1200% property tax hike, and kickbacks generated from all the sweet new Subway™ franchise owners.

More details soon.

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