Local Man Vows to Never Flush the Toilet at Work Ever Again

Posted: July 10, 2013 in The Funny Pages
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Pattern of behaviour deemed completely normal and typically welcomed by Canadian employers

A Toronto man has made a public pledge that his right to continue dropping deadly deuces at work – and forcing others to discover and dispose of his public donations – is enshrined in the Canadian constitution; anyone who challenges this right “hates freedom”.

“Ichben ein Porta Potty!” declared Torontonian Gerald T Hashbrown, as he flashed the “V” sign to reporters, which incidentally also signifies poopage.

“I’m sick and tired of the bleeding hearts who say that I should flush the toilet after I’m done defacing it.  I don’t have to do shit.  That’s what janitors are paid to do.  Maybe they should do their jobs.”

Bathroom at Urban Outfitters makes baby Jesus weep tears of breast milk.

Bathroom at Urban Outfitters makes baby Jesus weep tears of breast milk.

When confronted with statistics that show 98% of bathroom oversight discoveries are found by unwitting, benign entities such as co-workers and children during “Bring your Child to Work Day”, Hashbrown became irate, and promised his “smear campaign” would continue unabated across the city.

“If my employer wants to fire my ass because I love freedom, then I’ll take this shit straight to the Human Rights Commission.  Don’t think I won’t do it.  I will.  You think I have anything better to do?” Hashbrown queried rhetorically as he demanded to know where the closest washroom was.

Leaked documents from two of Hashbrown’s former employers outline disciplinary action taken against him for refusing to flush both toilets and urinals, actions that fly in the face of all modern customs and conventions pertaining to fair washroom use.

Head of University of Toronto’s criminal psychology department, Fred DeRange, sees this flagrant disregard for human decency as a growing trend.

“Some workers become disgruntled with their employers and feel the best way to relay their discontent is through what I like to call, ‘excretion expression’,” DeRange explained.  “Most will find their outlet through fingerpainting or sculpting, but others lash out.

Employers are encouraged to place signs in bathrooms such as “Please flush if you drop the mush” or “Failure to flush will result in summary judgement”.


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