Councillor Doug Ford Directs Traffic, Hashish

Posted: July 9, 2013 in The Funny Pages

Shameless opportunism or delightful direct-to-consumer marketing?

In the wake of Toronto’s record torrential downpour, Doug Ford, in an effort to bring some polish back to the otherwise comprehensively tarnished Ford name, took to the streets Monday night to help ease mayhem and soothe disgruntled drivers.

“That’s what a butane lighter is for!” roared Doug “The Enforcer” Ford, leaning into a motorist’s car, slapping him on the shoulder, and tossing a zip lock bag on the passenger seat.  “Rain ain’t got nothin’ on butane!  That’ll be $40.”

The increased traffic at Islington and Dixon was the opportunity of a monthtime, one that Ford simply couldn’t afford to pass up.

My life is a joke!

“I must have moved 15,000, 20,000 dime bags through that intersection, easy,”  Ford boasted.

When informed that a spokeswoman for Toronto police said that people directing heavy traffic (emphasis added) may put them in a “risky situation”, Ford became irritable, citing hundreds of instances of being in risky situations, such as going into “Big Willy’s Drug Den” on the west end to make a 2 kilo score, carrying nothing but a switchblade in one hand and his balls in the other.

“Don’t get me wrong,” Ford explained, “I make a mint at city hall.  This is just gravy.”

In other news, Mayor Rob Ford has reopened 11 public swimming pools that had been shut down due to belt-tightening measures after Mayor Ford kept breaking every belt.


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