China Calls in $1Trillion in U.S. Debt, Threatens to Nuke the Moon

Posted: April 25, 2012 in The Funny Pages

Washington may be forced to turn Eastern seaboard into epic sweatshop to make payments

With talks earlier this year of raising the national debt ceiling, it is now widely known that the United States owes a shit ton of money to China, and is apparently attempting a throw-back to 1920s-style reckless debt acquisition, since the European Union can probably toss them a bailout if need be.

While some economists remain baffled as to China’s seemingly arbitrary full payment request, industrial and economic experts in China and Europe are lauding the bold move.

“Some might consider it a bit of a lender/borrower party foul,” explained the European Union’s chief economic adviser, Burlap Hussington.  “It makes total sense for China to force America into default if it’s going to assert military superiority of its secret army of spaceships and party-time robots.”

Terror-inflicting, Ping Pong-playing robots like this may one day enslave mankind, or at least solve the problem that your kid has no friends to play with.

China has long been suspected of carrying out an illegal and clandestine super-awesome space program.  Thought to be driven by American tourists-turned-slaves on vacation, the UN has briefly alluded to talking about something that might lead to something that was somehow related to talks of sanctions, before China said it would use its veto anyway.

After the collapse of the Soviet Union, the ending of the Cold War, and America’s continuing decisive victory in the War on Terror, a new Lukewarm War with Communist China seems inevitable.

Former Republican presidential candidate and long-term thinker Newt Gingrich may have been onto something when he declared his plans to put a mining colony on the moon by 2020.  Many political observers, however, think it was likely a guise to conceal progress made by Washington’s own party-time robot and “Star Wars” Strategic Defense Initiative anti-missile program first devised by America’s greatest president of all time – Ronald Reagan – back in 1983.  Racking up credit with the Chinese, only to use the cash to blow up their Commie shit, would be poetic, ironic, and strangely beautiful.

One small step for a Newt, one giant leap for sensibility.

Speaking on condition of anonymity, a leading CIA official is taking a hard stance and refuses to bow to Chinese pressure, despite his personal success with acupuncture therapy.

“China would like to think they have us by the balls, but that’s only half true,” he said defiantly.  “It’s more like they have one ball, and it’s a little sweaty, so their grip isn’t really all that great.  We’ve got some really bad-ass spies over there who have uncovered their plans to launch nuclear weapons at the planned lunar city site of New Newtgingrichshire,” he continued.  “We just think it’s a lot of talk.  Well, we also kinda need to assume, since our guys only speak Cantonese and are still working on their Mandarin.”

The C.I.A. has a proud tradition of keeping America safe through propping up policy-friendly insurgencies abroad. You know, like the Taliban.

Sabre-rattling in Congress has already begun, as over 50 Republican representatives wish to extend Bush’s “Axis of Evil” designation to Russia, China, and for the nostalgia factor, Germany and Japan.

More details as they develop.


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