New Fitness Club for Men Prepares Alpha Males for the Dec. 2012 Apocalypse

Learn how to rape, pillage, and plunder when all the cops have been neutralized by roving biker gangs

It’s almost 2012, and we all know what that means!  A giant solar flare will catastrophically shift the Earth’s polarity, causing End-of-Days-surviving souls to build summer homes in Antarctica and the Yukon.

Or maybe you’ve heard of the innocuous 30km-wide meteor which will embrace the Earth with soothing overtures of shockwaves and tsunamis.

OMGz! It's the end of the feckin' world!!! Maybe someone will finally buy my leftover shares of Bre-X

Whichever way you choose to meet your demise, it’s still best to come slightly prepared.

But don’t let the end of the Mayan calendar on December 21 2012 get you down; for every door of absolute annihilation that closes, a window of opportunity and terror opens wide!

So don’t get scared, get prepared.  Also get a six-pack and gorilla pecs.

Dr. Horatio Vasquez, director of the groundbreaking fitness club for men, asserts that training in his program is integral to establishing whose genitalia is most impressive, guaranteeing that those who can run the fastest and steal the most gasoline will be able to propagate their clearly superior genes.

“Men of the 21st century have become far too docile,” explained Vasquez, sipping a creatine shake.  ”When all of the world’s power plants shut down and you can’t check your email any longer, wouldn’t it be helpful having the knowledge and insight to train and organize a fleet of grenade/letter-carrying pigeons to strike fear and current events into the hearts of your enemy?”

Upper body strength is crucial in preparation for wrestling rival tribe leaders, breaking into ammunition lockers, and coercing -ahem - persuading the ladies.

“There’s going to be a paradigm shift,” Vasquez continued.  ”We need to help men unlearn the ineffectual ritual of honking horns and whistling at potential mates.” Vasquez reached into his lectern and removed an oversized spiked collar.  ”What you’ll learn at my club is how to chase women down at knife point and force them into brutal slavery, perhaps trading them for animal hides to keep warm or flaked light tuna, for sustenance.”

Also included in the comprehensive training program are nighttime, real life raids on supermarkets and other civilian installations.  Men will be taught to syphon five litres of gas in less than 60 seconds, which kind of Heinz beans are most delicious and nutritious, and how to mine the hallway to the family washrooms.

“We’re also going to hold some rudimentary physical geography classes,” declared Vasquez.  “If you need to funnel incoming hostiles into a killzone where mortars and automatic weapons’ fire are most effective, understanding which Wal-Marts and Burger Kings offer the greatest field of view and overall defenses is fundamental to survival.  If you can locate a Burger King with a moat, kudos to you.”

The fallout from this impending catastrophe is estimated by experts to be anywhere from 1x-2x as bad as the Y2K bug. Convert your capital into gold now!

Special internment camps will also be constructed to imprison any Maya that have survived the ages, forcing them to endure toil and anguish in punishment for not having stretched their calendar further than 2012.

“Any Mayans found wandering the streets after December 21st will be shot on sight!” Vasquez asserted.  “In situations like these, the Book of Numbers feels most appropriate, like 31:18:  ’But all the women children, that have not known man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves’! As for the rest, the slave trade is quite lucrative.  We’ll teach you advance barter techniques; it’s not wholly impossible to trade three women for a goat and snowshoes.”

Vasquez expressly forbids the enrollment of females into his program.

“Things are going to get messy,” explained Vasquez.  ”With women having only half the brain power as men, and only getting paid 60% of men’s salaries, it seems only logical that they should practice birth-giving and passivity in basement cellars without windows.”

A scene from a rival 2012 fitness club which allows women to use the machines between 2am and 3am.

The program will run about $200/month, including four personal training sessions per quarter, and a free antibiotics voucher for 2013.

I’m actually fairly stoked for an article idea I had

a new men’s fitness club which prepares you for the raping and pillaging in Dec 2012

when the earth’s axis is fucking rocked by gamma rays you’ll be trained how to run down a woman at knife point and sell her into slavery

how to properly raid a supermarket

Marijuana Legalized: Canada Erupts into Passive, Lazy, Hungry Maelstrom of Terror and Drowsiness

Out-of-work Communist/Fascist/Nazi agents incited new bill in Parliament

Scandalously non-addictive.

Canadians are being advised to make haste to local supermarkets to gather remnants of canned foods in anticipation of what has been dubbed by Conservatives as, “The end of the feckin’ world!”

Last week Parliament passed a new bill into law legalizing (and therefore encouraging) the personal use of cannabis sativa. The bill, which passed with surprising ease and a general sense of well-being, will allow the Canadian government to tax and regulate the sticky icky substance, creating ridiculously tasty tax revenues and promptly eliminate the black market demand for the ish.

The new "starter pack" (pictured above) will be on sale at Shopper's Drug Mart locations nationwide for $29.95.

Conservatives and other elderly people, colloquially and warmly referred to as “buzzkills”, were quick to criticize the bill, claiming that Armageddon was imminent, and some even had to change their diapers when several horsemen with otherwise benign intentions rode past them in the park.

“This is blasphemy!  This is madness!” declared Gerald Dickerson, a 64 year-old man from Etobicoke.  ”The government is totally fiscally responsible.  It is an outrage to bring in further tax revenue to offset substantial deficits by employing the regulation of a substance already used by millions of Canadians!”

A passerby, clearly bewildered by the man’s “lameness”, pondered kicking the gentleman in the groin or offering him a neatly rolled joint as a peace offering.  ”Chill dude.  Try this,” the passerby extolled, extending the sweet-sweet deliciousness. The old man, at first apprehensive, quickly relinquished his reservations as his worries dissolved into a fine, smoky haze.

Inroads were quickly made with the glaucoma community.

Advocates of keeping marijuana as a Class II controlled substance include the big-time-lame-crew group, People who Understand Society Sometimes Ignores Evil Sinners (PUSSIES), a right-wing organization that also directly funds the controversial “Jesus’s Sunday afternoon shooting range” youth program, with pictures of abortion doctors as targets. Children are encouraged to espouse maniacal laughter as they learn the calibre of bullet necessary to dislodge an abortion doctor’s spinal column from his respective brain stem.

The PUSSIES maintain the mantra that marijuana is a “gateway drug”, citing outdated and since-discredited studies to support this outlandish claim.  In response to a recent study that shows marijuana to be no more addictive than pancakes, the group released the following ironic statement:  ”The thing is people can’t think for themselves, and they get so confused about reality.  That’s why they’re willing to believe anything a scientist will tell them.”

"Hey...hey man. Have you ever wondered...what it would be like...you know...how totally awesome it would be...if we like, ate ourselves?"

There is great fear in the munchies community as shortages of Cheetos and Spicy Doritos appear imminent.  The government convened in an emergency session Saturday afternoon, and assures the populace that any shortages will be met with a swift and decisive import of chocolate bars, funions, fresh mushroom pizzas, and rocky road ice cream from Buffalo and Seattle.  These cities have notoriously hoarded munchies from their liberal neighbours to the north over the last several decades, in order to fatten up their civilian militias under fear of invasion.

Prime Minister Stephen Harper has assured former Vice President Dick Cheney that the new law is not letting the terrorists win, but simply mellowing them out, and kindly asking them to relax a bit.

Compelling New Nintendo Wii Game Released: Manual Labour Happy Fun Time Smiles!

Burn 1000 calories per gaming session

Nintendo simply won’t rest on its laurels and continues to achieve in the field of innovation and creativity.

Despite the US mint ceasing operations due to the Wii’s ability to print money, Nintendo is aiming its bow and arrow of profit straight into your pockets. Icarus, eat your wax-winged heart out.

On Monday the groundbreaking title Manual Labour Happy Fun Time Smiles! hit stores, letting gamers experience what it’s like to do some heavy lifting.

Build a giant wall for fun!

With WiiFit and WiiSports Resort being multi-million sellers, the marketing model that Nintendo employs is as sweet and tasty as the lemon meringue pie that fat kid is eating in front of the TV.

The game promises overweight players a thrilling trip through time, making stops at all of history’s favourite exploitative ventures.

Be a salt miner in Carthage!  Experience work in the involuntary labour industry as you pound the sickle into the wall.

Practice your balance as you precariously juggle vials of nitroglycerine.  That trans-Canadian Railway isn’t going to get built by itself, you lazy shit!

The taste of 300 calories per day is almost palpatable.

Be a forced labourer in Siberia!  The game will synchronize with your home’s thermostat, cranking the air conditioning to the max and giving you that authentic “I don’t know whether I’m going to freeze first or starve to death” feel.

Hell, make a stopover in 18th century America and be a sharecropper in Southern Louisiana!  Feel the joy and elation as you work tirelessly day and night for room, board, and tools, only to find out that your indentured adventure will last until the day you die!  Do you like indigo?  Cotton? No?  Too bad, it’ll be fun!

Lug water from the well!

Haven’t you always wondered how the Great Pyramid At Giza was built?  Stop wondering, as the thermostat fries you at 50 degrees Celsius and you build the pyramid!  Drag that two tonne slab of stone across the desert!  Get your little brother in on the fun as he stands atop and whips you mercilessly from the couch (whip and reed sold separately).

Help DeBoers sustain its global monopoly and manipulation of diamond prices as you labour over life and limb mining the precious gems!

Long live Capitalism and the Emperor!

A special unlockable bonus stage will allow players to assume the role of Russian civilians in the Caucasus, digging anti-tank ditches for the amiable German overseers!

The game is being touted as a revolutionary tool in addressing the obesity epidemic in the United States; a variety of appetite suppressants are supplied with every game.  Further, a special attachment will monitor the player’s heart rate and pupil dilation to ensure they are in maximum protein-burning mode.

Get 50 points and avoid an electric shock for every tank you prevent from passing!

Starvation and merciless slave labour will be the next big diet craze, so don’t miss out.

Manual Labour Happy Fun Time Smiles! Retails for $89.99 and is available at all stores and border crossings.

www.HolyWarriorAtYourDoor.com

Forget the dotcom bust of yore.

A sensational new website aims to capture an entirely untapped portion of the world market, and aspires to have its stock overvalued and under-analyzed by the end of the fiscal year.

www.HolyWarriorAtYourDoor.com caters to every religion, creed, worldview and psychological imbalance, providing highly trained specialists that will do the dirty deeds that your respective holy book declares necessary to appease Yahweh/Allah/Zeus/Ra/Holy Trinity/Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, etc.

We even do Bar Mitzvahs!

Strike fear and submission into the hearts of your enemies, make them see the true path to all things righteous, by simply imposing your views upon them in a fun and creative way!

The basic packages simply involve harassment and scare tactics.  However, for a small fee they can arrive in a crusader  knight’s regalia mounted atop  heavy war cavalry.  Or perhaps something more contemporary, such as one draped in a monk’s robe with thumbscrews and portable Iron Maiden.  If your budget is higher, they can even dispatch a band of Hebrews recently freed from Egypt and commanded to march the Sinai and invade sovereign city states under order of an invisible sky man!  The glass orbs of the heavens 30 miles away is the limit!

Diplomacy? Screw that. Nothing says "In the name of the Lord" like being impaled by a lance!

The site also caters to public functions.

Maybe your Black/Jewish/Gypsy/Mormon neighbour’s dog has been running on your lawn again and you want to teach the scoundrel a lesson.  For only $999 (plus lumber) a dozen men in white robes and hoods can craft a ten foot cross, nail your pesky neighbour to it (local anaesthetic extra), set him ablaze, and let the rest of the neighbourhood see how righteous you can be!

Show the heathens that you mean business, or your money back.

The deluxe package, while far more explosive and awe inspiring than the standard offerings, is a pairing-up system that is thus far unprecedented.  The site will find a fundamentalist Muslim who hasn’t been getting any, reinforce the promise of dozens of delectable virgins upon entering the gates of heaven (where do all those virgins come from anyway?), and send him into your densely-populated area of choice.  Talk about going out with a bang!

Be as holy as you can be, do it right with some TNT

Don’t let self-righteousness be a bore, get a holy warrior at your door!*

*While supplies last

New CBS spin-off of Lost, “Where the Hell Are We and Does Anyone Really Care?”

Lord of the Flies meets America’s Got Talent

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Looking to cash in on Lost’s sensational critical and viewer acclaim, CBS gave the green light for production on 120 episodes of the incredible new series.

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CBS President Enrique Delgado Sanchez spoke to reporters at a press conference, describing the show in clear detail.

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“Ok, so, look, 10,000 ordinary people get abducted and sent to a tropical island,” Sanchez explained.  ”Ok, right, so they all share a dark secret and special talent that will be revealed through illogical story arcs and convoluted twists that are completely unprecedented by any show we’ve churned out at our fine network.”

Lost stars Matthew Fox and Evangeline Lily will make guest appearances as awkward Yoga instructors with a taste for human eyelashes. But how many eyelashes will it take to satisfy their eyelash hunger?

Sanchez excitedly flipped through his press kit, eager to disclose some of the upcoming plot-lines that are sure to be ridiculously awesome.

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Sanchez’s eyes then narrowed ominously as he teased the press, “An abortion doctor, corn farmer and cover-band drummer share brunch every other Wednesday – each has wronged society in a clever and engaging way – but why?”

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CBS has promised a great deal of violence and full frontal nudity in order to appease even the most depraved of viewers.

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“Every episode 21-37 people are brutally, mysteriously and hilariously murdered,” He continued, creeping out the entire audience as he began smiling psychotically as he said ‘brutally’. “Who did it and why were there potatoes and whiskey at the murder scenes?  Is there a connection to St Patrick’s Day?”

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“How are people travelling into the future one second at a time?  Does it have something to do with Dr. Braun’s pumpkin patch?”

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“We’re really excited about our introduction of the Marijuana Smoke Monster, which craftily gets inhabitants high, paranoid, hungry and able to recollect past events that somehow tie in to who they are and why they are there.”

“I is goin’ get you high and then hide all the ice cream, mortal!”

To keep viewers both engaged and necessarily confused, the show will supply and encourage the consumption of the viewer’s choice of hallucinogen, upper, downer, or psychotic, at specified intervals.

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CBS wishes to target the 18-24 demographic, a frustrated bunch used to arousal, possibility of enjoyment and/or satisfaction, then outright deprivation and denial – an all too familiar scenario for most male college students.

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Everyone at the conference received a press kit with peculiar yet fascinating questions, such as, “Who is Billy Bob and why does his shack keep changing colour?”, and, ”Why are the Seven Dolphins of Excalibur plotting to destroy the Feral Forest?”

An aerial view of the island where the show will be filmed in the South Pacific. The native inhabitants were given blankets with small pox and plague to keep them from walking on set.

CBS is rumoured to be collaborating via email with Bernie Madoff in his maximum security state-run retirement community, in an effort to gain knowledge in orchestrating a Ponzi scheme capable of funding the show’s modest $100m per episode budget.

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CBS has guaranteed in a non-legally binding guarantee that the show will be jam-packed with sex, violence, and sexy violence.

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“Where the Hell Are We and Does Anyone Really Care?” will begin this Fall.

Tupac and Biggie Smalls Return from Hiding, Admit Illicit Gangsta Love Affair

Faked deaths and blood feud in order to grow old together in peace

They always use a condom and a safe word.

Like a phoenix rising out of a recording studio’s ashes, long-believed dead gangsta rappers Tupac Shakur and Biggie Smalls have emerged from their overseas hideaway to release a sensational new album in efforts to raise awareness over feline herpes, an epidemic affecting pussies across America and Europe.

Despite their well-publicized feud, Tupac and Biggie, in apparent defiance of negatively impacting record sales, declared that they are both in fact bisexual, and have been happily living together and pimping mad bitches in Mali for over a decade.  Tupac has insisted through his publicist that he is the pitcher, but everyone knows that he is the one behind home plate.

Fans became suspicious of Biggie and Tupac’s non-living status after the release from the “archives” of the hit collaboration, “Twin Titty Towers” in October 2001, despite both rappers allegedly being dead for several years. Lyrics from the song caused enormous controversy, with some including,

“Me and my niggaz hop in the SL600 Benz/Speed to the airport, board by force the twin engine Cez’/

Smack flight attendant ass, sippin’ mad Alize/Put a bullet in da pilot’s head, push him out the way/

Now we’s crusin’ at a cool 3 thou’/You best vacate that airspace, we’s comin’ through now/

Muay Tasteful!

Fuck Bin Laden, this is how we do in style/Bitch under the dash, gettin’ head all the while/

Smokin’ a blunt with ma feet on the controls/Where is my shorties?  Where is my hos?/

Now I sees the WTC with my own eyes/Blazin’ in style through tha NYC skies/

Screams from the plane’s back, they’s havin’ a ball/I is goin’ make this plane blow big, it ain’t goin’ be small/

We’s need a reason to invade Iraq so we fly into the World Trade/Now me and my nigga G.W. Bush be ballin’ in gold Escalades

Critics were quick to jump on the obviously insensitive nature of the lyrics, yet were forced to concede the incredible foresight that the rap duo possessed in order to predict the events with such striking clarity.

Now being clear that they both faked their deaths to make sweet, sweet clandestine man love with one another, they have also reaped the rewards of millions in record sales, with credulous fans snatching up any crap they produce from their Mali studio.

Another shocking revelation was the discovery that both JFK and Marilyn Monroe co-produced much of the rappers’ material, despite vehement denials from Kennedy family spokesmen.

Lovers Tupac and Biggie will be touring the globe together to promote their virtuous cause, while continuing to drink 40s, slap bitches, and smoke weed everyday.

Protect the pussy. Please donate today.

999 Things that Bother Me: #992

Infernal Laziness: Trial by Fire

Amidst intermittent back spasms and general discomfort, I occasionally am able to fall into the blissful unconscious for several hours per evening.

Delta waves abound, I had been asleep for about an hour when the pain struck:  the shrill of the fire alarm bounced mercilessly about my apartment, through my 40 decibel-cancelling earplugs, and began tap-dancing across my aural canal.

I groaned, and contemplated my options:

1) Wait it out for a few minutes, it’s probably a false alarm.

2) Go pee, because I really have to.

3) Throw on a shirt and shorts and make the descent of shame down the 4th floor stairwell and to the front of the building.

Free showers for all!

I decided on a combination of all three.

First I waited about two minutes as I didn’t feel any raging inferno bumbling about my room.  Then again, my delightful air conditioner was cranked to 19 degrees, so most of my body was numb anyway.

Then I went to pee, because ever since I had to hold it in for about 4 hours on a bus trip through the Israeli desert, I have to go about 6 times a night now.

Finally I decided that I value my life to a moderate degree, clothed myself haphazardly, and stepped into the hallway.

Hmmm, I thought to myself.  I think I smell smoke.  Maybe it was actually worthwhile to leave my comfortable bed.  Then it hits me like a hemp sack:  someone is smoking pot.  A lot of pot.  I think I’ll still go outside.  This isn’t really the most appropriate time to introduce myself to the new neighbours down the hall, despite the aroma of hospitality.

I got outside to find about half a dozen other poor souls, half awake, fully frustrated, wandering aimlessly through the garden.

About 5 minutes go by, and maybe another 10 people or so make the exodus from the potentially burning building.

Then the firetrucks arrive.

First truck, check.

Second truck, check.

Third truck, check.

Where are the people?  Show me the people.

I glance upwards to see the idiotic dredges of humanity, hands strewn over railings, cool as soon to be roasted cucumbers.

Maybe they haven’t seen much sun this summer and are hoping for a toasty 3rd degree tan.  Or a delicious meal of smoke inhalation.

I attempt to make eye contact with a few, shaking my head scornfully in disapproval.

I go about several calculations in my head.

There are approximately 12 apartments per floor, maybe 2-3 people on average per apartment, and 21 floors.  Let’s just say for argument’s sake that there are 400 people in the building.

And I shit you not, faithful reader, but a mere 20, at most, were waiting outside the building for the all-clear from the firemen.

That’s 5%.

"Ok Billy, I'm going to take my chances here with the Xbox. You run to saftey. Is it getting warm in here?"

95% of the people in the building would rather take their chances that there was no fire, instead of doing the sane thing and vacating the premises.

What the hell is wrong with people?  Do they value their lives so little?  Are they truly that lazy to come down?  By the time I got back to my apartment afterwards, only 20 minutes or so had transpired between emerging from and subsequently reentering my sleeping quarters.

Was it not worth it?

Of course some jackasses pulled the alarm on the 19th floor for whatever reason, causing the hubbub and general dismay throughout the building.

But the reigning idiocy of the overwhelming populace of my place of residence is mind boggling, to say the least.

Is it going to take an actual fire with people actually dying to teach the others the lesson that a fire alarm isn’t a suggestion?

And those are some things that bother me.

Somali Pirates Seize Ship Carrying Bootleg DVDs

Threatens to destroy fabric of Chinatown, NY

In a bold move by Somali pirates off the coast of Ethiopia, a crew of vengeful teenagers has seized control of a Chinese steamship that fatefully took the scenic route through the Indian Ocean, whilst en route to New York City.

The deft raid by the pirates appears to make obsolete the simple and highly lucrative illegal arms market, which has included new “easy-to-use” models of the RPG-7 – that’s a rocket propelled grenade launcher for those who do not play video games or engage in recreational jihad – as well as tanks, counterfeit Barbie Dolls, and bathtub gin.

A pirate poses for a picture during a search for a portable DVD player.

The crafty teenagers, who were heard laughing by drunken sailors aboard a nearby French patrol ship, were speculated to have been watching a Chinese bootleg of the highly successful Hollywood movie “The Hangover”. It is believed by experts that the illegal copy of the film features Czech subtitles and only half the screen visible beyond several prominent silhouettes of people’s heads and what appears to be an old man’s hat.

The Chinese government  is up in arms over the delayed arrival of the vessel which is estimated to contain approximately one million bootlegs, with a street value of US$5,000,000. The cold cash is expected to be immediately wired back to Chinese relatives in Xianxi province, helping bolster its faltering bootleg economy.

Uncomfirmed footage of the Somali Pirates executing a fellow crewman.

The pirates have yet to make their demands known, as updated reports suggest the cargo also contained a veritable cornucopia of Xbox360 games, forcing the pirates into a round robin tournament of Madden NFL 10.  The pirates have threatened to offload the entire cargo into the ocean if their tournament is disrupted.

Gunfire was heard on the ship around midnight when an argument erupted over one of the teens being unable to get wireless Internet going, thereby preventing access to Xbox Live and the download of new exclusive downloadable tracks for Rock Band 2.

Mohammad, get that WiFi going or I'm coming down there and using this launcher as a suppository. I haven't played Grand Theft Auto in days and I'm hungry, too.

The UN Security Council will meet in emergency session tomorrow to discuss exchanging the ship’s valuable cargo for an ex-Soviet hydrogen thermonuclear bomb, as there is a surplus of the devices; however, there exists volatile and perhaps revolution-inciting demand for advance copies of the hugely-anticipated Quentin Tarantino blockbuster “Inglorious Basterds” featuring Brad Pitt and other sexy stars whose opinions on nuclear proliferation are ambiguous at best.

In an effort to stave off a full blown revolt, the citizens of New York have been assured that given a worst case scenario, they will be emailed logins to several popular filesharing sites, allowing them to enjoy the films while simultaneously angering their internet service providers for excessive bandwidth usage.

More details as they develop.

The pirates implementing cutting edge boating technology prior to boarding the Chinese ship.

999 Things that Bother Me: #993

Exit-way Courtesy

Hurry!  Desperate Housewives is on at 8 and you haven’t met your daily old-lady-trampling-quota yet.

Yes, we’ve all experienced it, and many have likely perpetrated it.

Maybe you’re on your way down from the top floor of your apartment building, two laundry baskets and an ammunition box of detergent in hand, the doors slide open, and it happens:  you’re not getting out!  Oh no, at least not yet.  See, the fine people outside lack the courtesy you often afford them, as they hastily make their way into the cramped elevator before you can even pick your soiled underwear up off the floor.

Oh no you di'int.

Or maybe you’ve been patiently awaiting another “power failure” on Toronto’s exquisitely-designed subway line, a true testament to the ingenuity and creativity of a half-dozen kindergartners and four chimpanzees.  Its well-thought out design makes it as difficult as possible to travel around the city, but at least it’s better than nothing.

But don’t get ahead of yourself, because even when you’ve reached your destination, don’t expect to depart so quickly, as the mob of aggressive citizens at the Yonge and Bloor stop have other plans for you, dear reader.

Screw "women and children first", we're comin' through, bitches!

As the doors slide open, and you are ever so careful to “mind the gap”, pesky and pushy pedestrians force their way into the train as if you were some sort of ethereal afterthought.  But instead of getting angry or shouting, “Hey!  Could you please let me through first?”, the best way of handling the affair is to simply walk straight through, shoulders abroad, incidental contact both expected and welcome.

Bring it.

Perhaps the general populace has witnessed the epic tear-fest Titanic far too many times, believing there to be only a finite amount of space available before the weakest are thrown into the shark-infested trenches of the Toronto underground.

Or maybe people just need to learn some manners.

Oh, and also, when you’re walking – on the street, in the hall, in the supermarket – stay to the right!  If I wanted a sinister confrontation I’d journey across the pond and take on the Redcoats myself, thank you.

And those are some things that bother me.

Paula Abdul Appointed New Ambassador to Tehran

Eager to get back on the wagon of pressing international affairs

After pouring shot glass after shot glass of heart and soul into American Idol for the last decade, choreographer and involuntary comedian Paula Abdul will now move on to sandier pastures as she departs for Iran as part of the U.S.’ envoy to the strife-ridden Middle East.

American Secretary of State Mr. Hilary Clinton felt the change in strategy was crucial in reaching out to the younger Iranian electorate, proving that America means no harm, despite its malignant tendency to produce dramatized, commercialized, and sensationalized pop culture drivel.

What happens on TV stays on Youtube.

“We want to show the people of Iran that our perception of them is not limited to the somewhat bad-ass portrayal of Persians in the blockbuster movie spectacular, 300,” Clinton affirmed.  ”I mean, those Immortal guys with the sweet masks were fucking scary, but our market research shows that only a very small proportion of the the modern Iranian populace would attack a defiant and resolute group of Spartan soldiers at the Hot Gates.”

"I typify everything Iranian, mortals."

Paula Abdul would bring her resounding wit and incoherent diatribes to the  fancy free negotiations, making her invaluable in the effort to dissuade Iran from continuing its pursuit of nuclear weapons and disrupting the black market trade of Simon Cowell bobbleheads.

Cheethe and crackerth!

“Cultural experts have deemed that Ms. Abdul’s unique blend of being female, frequent public intoxication, and  provocative attire will go over famously with the Islamic Republic,” Clinton explained as she handed out sample mix CDs of the Jewish rapper Matisyahu and bottles of Manishewitz wine that will be air dropped into major Iranian population centres.

“She has already lent invaluable advice to our political tacticians, such as suggesting giving Supreme Leader Khameini and President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad subsidized bus tours of Israel and day passes to the Dead Sea Spa.”

The coveted diplomatic position was first considered for returning Idol judge Kara DioGuardi; however, her propensity to spew monologues rich with self-righteousness, condescension and self-importance were deemed to be incompatible with the oratory style of the Iranian leadership.

"On Iranian Idol, they'd stone this bitch! P.S. I'm better than everyone."