Not that kind of cheating, douche.

The fine arts of philandering and whoring have achieved a monumental and “game”-changing coup – “Infidelity is the new fidelity,” says relationship and dating guru George “G Spot” Jamison, head of the Head Institute of New Hampshire.

This paradigm-annihilating development will likely convert monogamy-abiding citizens into 21st century lepers that not even the messiah could cure.

Analysts predicted that cheating may have lasted perhaps 20-25 years longer, unabated.  Now, doing the dirty with dirty downstairs Dorothy can transpire – guilt-free - while within the confines of a loveless and fruitless partnership.

Many industry experts say the revolution will single-handedly force AshleyMadison.com out of business.  The site has been the last bastion of the institution of cheating and its proponents are defiantly defending it.  Once a profile is created, people engage in the time-honoured tradition of lying to their prospective partners and keeping local businesses’ doors open.

Why these two chicks would dare dig a dude whose idea of a good time is taking them out to a couch and staring at a blank wall is beyond me.

Jay Morrison, an industry expert from a leading New York advertising firm thinks this is good news for the condom and abortion industries.

“I’m really impressed with Infidelity’s aggressive re-branding,” remarked Morrison.  ”Making marriage obsolete has been Infidelity’s modus operandi.”

The national guard was called to restore order in several American cities.  An endless sea of abortion doctors engaged in massive orgies, dining on a feast of delicious first-term fetuses, flavoured with the ambrosia of stem cells and amniotic fluid.

“We’re partying like it’s 1899!” exclaimed Dr. Robert “The Vacuum” Jackson.  He was of course referring to the golden (and occasionally gilded) age of spousal abuse and marital rape.  ”With everyone fucking like mad, I get paid.”

Some television networks have also experienced adverse effects, as all 112 divorce court shows were promptly cancelled.  Further relationship-relevant shows were axed, including the infamously incredible show “Cheaters”, which is considered  the holy grail of legitimized, televised infidelity.

I'm pretty sure I heard that this guy got shanked while filming. Travesty.

Language experts at Cambridge University insist that the dictionary definitions for “cheating” and for “loyalty” should be flipped.

“The new societal norm will mean that cheating will refer to the sad, pathetic and loveless institution of lame marriage and commitment.”

Scientists at CERN – The European Organization for Nuclear Research – warn this change could endanger existence itself.  Colliding sub-atomic particles at 99.9% the speed of light for shits and giggles, their work can sometimes be misconstrued or blown out of proportion.  Dr. Heinz Shicklegruber lent his own 2012 Armageddon predictions, as he took a moment from shredding his divorce papers.

“Remember back in 2008 when everybody went bananas about the mini black holes we were possibly making?  This is far, far worse.  In an effort to fit in, people may try to “cheat” before they are even as yet “committed”, thereby creating a chicken-and-the-egg time paradox that could annihilate the fabric of spacetime and the Universe itself.

“But hey, you only live once.”

To get started, Rick gave us the headline, “Right where you want to be.”

He advised that by choosing a voice and how it speaks can affect the idea itself.  I may have taken that a bit literally as I employed my faux-English accent.

We only had about 20 minutes and no chance to proofread.

So, due to popular demand, the following is a Birnbaum-approved-un-proofread-unedited-unabridged-unusually-awesome message:

Dear fellow traveler,

If you’re reading this, you’ve no doubt found the buried treasure and my bounty of soft silks. The accompanying map marked with an X, I assure you, is right where you want to be.

I came across this subterranean oasis as I traveled north on Bathurst near Lawrence during the great storm of ’98.

As you descend the luscious carpeted staircase, you’ll immediately feel the warm embrace of central heating and the guiding light of energy-efficient light bulbs.

Stroll into the kitchen and be tempted and tantalized by the veritable cornucopia of culinary delights, from frozen turkey burgers and protein bars to microwave popcorn and beef jerky.

Saunter into the living room and, my dear comrade, feel right where you want to be. Kick back and relax in the blue La-Z-Boy of dreams in 150 sq feet of comfort and intrigue. The 46″ plasma television yields a window into HD glory, an experience you will never forget.

Soft, natural light peers through surprisingly large underground windows, illuminating the walls decorated with captivating yet welcoming Second World War propaganda.

When your relaxation and enjoyment have peaked, you’ll be drawn to the bedroom, where a double bed is enhanced with both delightful flannel sheeting and a foam mattress topper that will seize your weary body and not release it until dawn.  A 2nd, 27″ standard definition television will infomercial you softly to sleep.

Please pass on this information to the next journeyman who seeks a brief respite. $250/week gets you right where you want to be. Call now before someone else stumbles upon this discovery of a lifetime.

End.

This infernal creation will ultimately make stair-climbers of all walks of life completely extinct and therefore quite, quite sad.

The Gentleman

The Gentleman oft keeps one hand loosely on the rail.  His head looks straight up; to the future, to success.

The Lady

The Lady is in many ways similar to the Gentleman, only she grips the hand rail more tightly, like the control she has over her destiny.  She will look up as the Gentleman does but will also look down at the steps, mindful of the terrible abyss her life may descend into should she misstep.

The Journeyman

The Journeyman is no stranger to staircases or low-rise apartment entryways.  Usually upbeat, sending positive energy into the Universe, he may occasionally break into a short, arm-immobilized-at-sides-shuffle-climb.  Each step is considered but the escalation becomes natural, endearing, making slight shuffling sounds like an elderly woman using a walker in a hurry.

What's difficult to ascertain from a still image is the fact that this man is actually descending 7 steps at a time, both backwardly and unapologetically.

The Hastened Traveller

While there exist a great many impetus for one to increase the speed and momentum of stair-climbs, the Hastened Traveller is willing to take more exceptional risk in elevating.  This man will forego centuries-old established custom and convention of stepping one stair at a time; yes, he will put his arms in a running position and leap two stairs at once.

This uncommon approach – yet well worth the risk/reward  - affects approximately 5% of the male population but is absent in the female population.  We can clearly interpret a strong correlation and perhaps even a causal link between neurophysiology and the reaction of feet, calves, quads and knees to move.

The High School Running Back Football Champion

This type of stair-climber has been evolutionarily crafted to take full advantage of his clear environmental superiority.  With years of formal gymnastic, aerobic, feint and juke training, the High School Football Champion represses the knowledge of his devastating off-field, career-preventing, keg-stand-sitting testicle crushing.  He experiences blackouts, regaining lucidity amidst crowds of rushing rush hour rushers, ducking, weaving, gently patting-for-orienting as he flies by.  From afar, he appears to be ascending a fast-moving escalator with no stairs.  He will occasionally collide with innocent citizenry, prompting onlookers to display the sweeping condemnation of head shakery and general disdain.

Shit.

The Pensive, Deliberate Lunger

This defeated and pitiful approach leaves progressively more dignity behind with each successive step.  Shoulders in and head down, otherwise known as the “I’m about to be executed by decapitation without trial” stare, he sucks life and sympathy from those nearby.  Given up on life, ladies and the pursuit of dignity, the Pensive, Deliberate Lunger seeks pity no more than the love he received from his mother; which, incidentally, is negligible.  Oblivious to those around him, the PDC is continually engaged in deep thought, mostly about how to maximize the minimum amount of effort needed to not trip and fall backwards into his perpetual misery.

Photographic evidence of gratuitous stair-climbing is widespread across the Google imageosphere.

In what many of the experts in the Child Labour Sector call a “bold and beautiful” move, parents nationwide are scrambling to implement new cost-effective measures to pay the bills.

“Frederick would come home from a long day in Kindergarten,” explained Sophia, Fred’s mother.  ”He’d whine about how much exercise he had to do at school because of the new laws passed in parliament, but there’s no way I’m buying it after how many hours per day he plays video games.  We’re strapping him to that thing for 2 hours tonight,” in punishment for eating too much for breakfast, she said.

Parents may opt for the more economical cattle prod attachment. This picture shows how much fun can be had while watching or being in the wheel!* *These children may have been beaten prior to photos to make them more docile, in a most endearing way.

As the government implements measures to curb child obesity, parents are taking extra steps to ensure their children are healthy and single-handedly heat the flat.

“We’re on back order for about 4 years,” says “Shackles ‘n Things” owner Rupert Cumberbatch.  ”We’re doing everything we can to increase production, but we humbly acknowledge the growing number of parents unable to heat their frozen chips and mash.  We’re working with child labour gurus across the nation to guarantee we chain those children down for good.  Or until they can be sold off into marriage,” an already dying English institution.

The 2,3, and 4 meter versions of “The Wheel” (no direct connection to the medieval torture device “The Wheel” in which criminals were strapped to spokes within the wheel and then proceeded to have their limbs crushed with giant hammers until they died of shock, dehydration, or starvation) have dual bolt action locks that guarantee no child will be left behind.  Deluxe models pass a mild electric current through the wheel ensuring you can not only power the TV to watch Britain’s Got Talent, but also to heat the element for a baked bean breakfast on the morrow.

Owner Jim McPherson proudly demonstrates The Wheel before 10,000 volts of electricity are passed through in order to shock soft, supple, pre-teen children.

Children’s Rights activists have been strangely silent on the issue, likely due to the dirty dark secret that they enslave their own.

Well, that’s not quite true, since I wasn’t totally thrilled beforehand.  And her is actually him.  And him is my imaginary playmate, Horratio.

Really, though, while my world wasn’t shattered by her simple assertion based on careful observation under strictly controlled laboratory conditions, the horrible truth reigned true:  I have an accent.

I'm not really sure what I expected when I typed "accent" into Google Images. The results were devastating, despite the strong evidence for quality Korean craftsmanship and exceptional engineering.

Even though this wasn’t news (despite many people thinking they have no accent and it’s everyone else that has a problem (a view I used to hold)), I’d never really paid close attention.

Yet, after a delicious dinner at a delightful Chinese restaurant, her words resonated.

I’ve always thought that out of many of the American inflexions (California, Texas, New York, Massachusetts and anything south of the Mason Dixon line), mine was closest to the “neutral” accent in the D.C. area or just the East Coast.

My point is that, like many, I deemed myself normal.  My friend, being from Western New York near the Canadian border, had discernible distinctions in her speech.  I didn’t sit there documenting all the differences but the most evident was when she stressed short As, like “water” or “bad” or “had”.  The best way I can describe it is nasal with a dash of pretentiousness.

Kidding!

No, it’s definitely nasal though.  ”Water” would be pronounced “wahh-ter” or “bad” as “bayad”.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.  Except when we both began making fun of each other’s regional vocal discrepancies we started feeling – or at least I started feeling – progressively more ashamed.

Why should I be ashamed?

Plenty of reasons.  One is that accent-stereotypes for Canadians are actually surprisingly true (while, like our American brethren, we still have regional differences e.g. Quebec, British Colombia, Newfoundland, Ontario).

Take for example my favourite animated series, South Park.  Creators Matt Stone and Trey Parker are geniuses and masters in their craft.  They also like making frequent jabs at us Canucks.

The song “Blame Canada” in the South Park Movie made light of our minimal impact on American society and culture (a fine juxtaposition of the strong influence the United States has on us).

I think most of us are over that one.

Soft leather seating, plenty of legroom, and highly attuned controls - no! No, not the damn car again!

I think it’s all about “about”.  Or like you’ve likely heard it: as “a-boot”.

There was significant social unrest after the first gross misrepresentation, with violent riots in 437 Canadian cities, 47,300 people killed, and a successful coup d’etat by the Green Party.

(Wow.  What a nightmarish fiction.)

Most Canadians familiar with this stereotype are quick to dismiss it but remiss to do so.

A heartfelt apology to my Canadian counterparts and comrades, but it’s true:  we do say “a-boot”.

Sorta.

“AH.  BOW.  TEH.”  She subtly stressed.

After saying “about” about 274 times (maybe I should have just recorded and played back my voice) I think I pinned it down.  If I say it slowly it sounds like “Ah-Boud”, but quickly it sounds like “Ah-Boat” or “Ah-Boad” most of the time.  The former can be easily misconstrued or deliberately distorted to sound like “ah-boot”.

Damn you, Hyundai Accent. Damn you to hell.

While this slow-creeping revelation spawned no revolution, it definitely incited a small revolt in the patience and irritation receptors in my brain (yet to be scientifically proved but they’re there, I promise you that).

With Canada’s sprawling Cultural Mosaic, the difference is more than evident.  What I mean is, I’m under constant pressure from wildly different accents that it only serves to underscore, magnify and enhance the Canadian one.

I gotta get out.

Of the country.

Seriously.

Like a different hemisphere.

Denmark?  Norway?  Mongolia?

Maybe I’ll just simplify everything by finding a cozy monastery in the French hinterlands, forego all my worldly possessions, and take a vow of silence.

Problem solved.

The troublesome and unsettling news of a massive famine pandemic in Africa has left millions of Westerners in shock, disgust and dismay that they constantly have to hear about it.

“Ok, I get it, I don’t give a shit anymore,” remarked Richard Kent, a man from Toronto.   He was queried outside Loblaws and eating a hot dog while he loaded his groceries into his Ford Expedition.  ”What am I supposed to do, throw rice from UN helicopters?  The warlords just keep it all for themselves anyway.  We should be poisoning the rice!”

The Daily Bugle interviewed a number of passers-by in the downtown cores of Toronto, Los Angeles, Paris, and London.

And then they have the nerve to pose for the paparazzi.

“Do you know how bloody annoying it is to hear about rife famine while you’re trying to eat your bloody breakfast?!” Demanded Walther Cumberbatch of London, somewhat rhetorically.  ”It’s really all their own fault, anyway.  The continent shouldn’t have bowed so easily to British Imperialism and Western Colonialism.  Besides that, every time they show “starving” children on TV they always have full bellies and seem well-fed to me.”

If the current trend continues, countless more Westerners will be irritated but then quickly revert to monstrous, unabated consumption and excess.

Man it would be super sweet if I knew how to fly one of these. Think of all the propaganda to be spread!

Shoulder and Arm Etiquette 102

It’s Thursday afternoon and you’re on your way home from work.  You deftly maneuver the gauntlet of sticky (yet somehow still slippery) stairs, the homeless, and people handing out free copies of 24 that you already read on the way to work but are too polite to decline.  Not this time.  Win for not reading the news again.

Your senses sharp, eyes locked on the turnstile that shall grant yee entry to the grande bowels of the city.  You half grunt a quarter sneer of contempt for those morons buying tokens during rush hour.

How is this night different from all the other nights?

I'm sitting next to this guy, obviously, period.

You’re taking the Bloor subway line to meet up with friends.  For those unfamiliar with the Bloor line I’ll sum it up in some semblance of a sentence: shitty seats, no air conditioning on some trains.

You’re in the home stretch now.  You stoically let your brothers-in-arms to exit the train before you enter.  Smart thinking!  Your eyes dart from one end of the train to the other, then scan as quickly as you can the possibility for an empty bench, let alone a seat.  Booya.  Spotted.  An orange “cushioned” bench waiting just for you.  Sit.

Then it happens.

The people behind  flood the car and  your personal space violently encroached by the proletariat masses.

Yep, here he is: random dude.

You balance a small bag on your knees whilst this joker leans back entirely.

Shoulder Cross, 2011.  An all ages event.

Contact: likely.  Relief: unlikely.  Discomfort: guaranteed.  Guy’s heat starts warming yours unwarranted.  It’s not the Ice Age.  You’ll be fine outside a huddle.

So, now, begs the question:  who should acquiesce this tense situation?  You, with all rights and associated privileges for being the first to sit?  Or, random prole?

Fearing for life and general safety, you lean forward more, as straightening your back would mean certain death and/or direct, friction frenzy fire starting contact.

What to do in this scenario?

Options:

• Lean forward more, forfeiting comfort for life and liberty
• Remain still, stoic and certain that you were there first and they should damn well respect that
• Incite rebellion, lean back, and begin a shoulder square-off that could incite a thermonuclear conflict
• Periodically half-turn your head with expressions of disgust and disdain
• Ignore

Impress, scare, delight, terrify commuter populace.

Democracy 101

I don’t care who you are, who your father is, or under whose divine authority you speak, but I’m really sick of your incessant whining: “But there’s no PQ rep in your riding, Baumer!”

Hogwash.

…

Alright, fine, touche, anonymous lambaster (I just made up that word, yes).  Maybe there’s some relevance to your belly-aching.

So, there’s nothing healthier for liberty, democracy and egalitarianism than these looming elections, amirite, Canada?

Who cares about over-confidence, no-confidence or grossly negligent incompetence?

Let’s blow a few mil on some polls, amirite again?

I knew he was after a throne! God damn is he dreamy.

My faith in democracy evaporates when politicians call the elections themselves.

It makes me nostalgic for the good ol’ times of dictators, despots and absolute monarchs.  There was never petty quibbling in any sort of shack, shed or house of commons.

Dissent if you must, but there shall be consequences, peon!

Really, though, what good is the entire democratic process if it is usurped by the very leaders we elect?

Party politics is relatively short-sighted.  Important matters, both regional and national, include issues over taxation and budgets.  We’ve reached a point in society where our ideas and ideals about the future must stretch beyond 4-year clusters.

We need to be at a critical level of awareness about long-term social programs – such as health care – and long-term spending, acknowledging coming advancements in technology and eventual carbon footprints.

Fiscal responsibility needs to be redefined.

What he said

Barring any sort of water-raising Armageddon-type scenarios, I think I can safely speak for the rest of humanity when I say it doesn’t want to put itself on the endangered species list.

How does that translate on voting day?  I can’t honestly tell you.  I can, however, say definitively that voting for Stephen Harper and the Conservative Party is a surefire way to invite instability.  Kiss goodbye healthcare as we know it (suspending, for a moment, disbelief that our current system is immaculate).  Say hello to the privatization of the health care sector.

As we all get together as a nation and vote let’s remember that the wholly pure idea of democracy and egalitarianism is inherently incompatible with the function of nationalism.

Further, true democracy is mostly unattainable.  In practice it is far too susceptible to abuse and corruption (as is any man-made institution).  Similarly, the theories of communism, socialism and anarchism vary greatly from their actual (or probable) practice in society.

I’m no statistician or social scientist but based on personal experience, nationalism breeds as much unity as it does division, repackaging, repeating and re-emphasizing the existential threat of “The Other”.  Xenophobia is a natural survival extinct that allowed tight-knit human communities to flourish in the past.

Yet today, in the age of endless information and globalization, this vestigial instinct does reprehensible harm to the species.  Being forced to integrate, accommodate or encourage deep-seated social, cultural and political norms runs contrary to impulse – the impulse to destroy outsiders or intruders.

REFOOORRRRRM. Booya.

If we can move past party politics for the sake of both this discussion and the perpetuation of the people population, we start to see timescales longer than the 2-4 year election cycles.  5, 10, 50 years.  500 years.  What will the face of democracy and egalitarianism look like then?  That’s what we’re being called to the polls for, to exercise our democratic right (and some will argue our legal obligation), to help shape our future.

To say I have the answer would be a lie.  I’m forced to look where the parties’ underlying ideological principles lie.  I’ve typically considered myself a moderate and plunked down around slightly right-centre on the political spectrum.  As we know, though, our own ideals with our own plans on how to make the world better don’t necessarily match those of others and the leaders we subsequently elect.

But wait a minute, did I say elect?  As you may know, we don’t actually elect a national leader, but a local one, who in turn votes for the leader of that party.  Weird, I know, but also a system that brutally strangles actual democracy.  This quotation from Wikipedia sums it up nicely: (bold mine)

In August 2008, Sir Peter Kenilorea commented on what he perceived as the flaws of a first-past-the-post electoral system in the Solomon Islands:

“An[...] underlying cause of political instability and poor governance, in my opinion, is our electoral system and its related problems. It has been identified by a number of academics and practitioners that the First Past the Post system is such that a Member elected to Parliament is sometimes elected by a small percentage of voters where there are many candidates in a particular constituency. I believe that this system is part of the reason why voters ignore political parties and why candidates try an appeal to voters’ material desires and relationships instead of political parties. [...] Moreover, this system creates a political environment where a Member is elected by a relatively small number of voters with the effect that this Member is then expected to ignore his party’s philosophy and instead look after that core base of voters in terms of their material needs…”

Here’s a fun fact:  other than England and the United States, we’re one of the only developed nations that still utilizes this process.

If a rival receives more votes despite not having a majority, your ballot is essentially neutralized.  Their candidate takes the seat and that’s that.  In a proportional system, you and the other 472 votes for your choice would be 472 votes towards victory.  Instead, with our plurality system they become zero. This is a gross over-simplification of these two systems, so check them out on your own.

I don't know who this dude is but I can tell he feckin' loves the shit out of freedom. And area aerial bombing.

Our system is polarizing.  Attack ads?  Seriously?  Think about that for a second.  Forget principles, politicians regress to ad hominem jabs, linking personal characteristics to the validity or efficacy of that candidate’s proposed policy.  The goal shifts to crafting a personal legacy if that candidate’s ego is sufficiently aggrandized.  The stakes are never higher and the electorate becomes increasingly confused as to the purpose and result of yet another election.

The next government will dictate the future of health care in this country.  The Canada Health Act comes to review in 2014.  Its main purpose is to channel federal dollars to the provinces.  If the federal government redirects funding the provinces will be forced to pick up the tab, ultimately paving the way for privatization.  Harper has, over the years, stated explicitly or implicitly his lack of support for the Health Act.

Another major issue to consider is the Conservatives’ abolishment of the mandatory long-form census.  They claimed that it was a violation of privacy to ask people more detailed questions.  This may very well be true, but it’s not the sole reason, like they may suggest.  Some long-form advocates believe that this will make at-risk communities all the more vulnerable and proper funding and social programs would not reach their intended target.  A devilish catch 22 is concocted:  the opposition cries for social spending, but the Conservatives point to the lack of data.

As you can see, I’ve been slamming the Conservatives pretty hard.  I’m not saying don’t vote for them because it’s important to vote for the party you want to govern, the party that best represents your ideals.  This is where vote-splitting comes into play with our (in my opinion) broken system.  Take, for example, my riding, York Centre.  My MP is Liberal Ken Dryden but with a Conservative backlash his seat is threatened.  Now, I still don’t know, I just know that I will not vote Conservative.  If I vote Liberal, it helps keep the Conservative out of power, but I’ve compromised the integrity of the essence of democracy:  I’ll be voting for someone I don’t want and against the other people in my area.

Vote Communist!

When you go to the polls tomorrow, vote for the candidate you want, not against the others.  Try to detach yourself from the emotional appeals of the campaigns and focus on their parties’ founding principles.  Imagine a picture of Canada in 20 years time and vote for the party that you think would actualize your ideals.

No matter how likely they are to win.

Originally published 30 July 2009

Well, it’s Friday night, and in honour of the Sabbath, I shall go on a rant.

While the Pope currently embarks on a “peaceful” mission to the strife-ridden Middle East, I’d like to step back several weeks and discuss some of my previously unaddressed scathing criticisms of religious dogma.

Pope Benedict XVI just can’t seem to pry himself away from controversy, no matter how many asinine-suppression pills he gorfs down at breakfast.

Do you remember when you were a little kid, and your mommy told you explicitly, “don’t take a cookie from the jar!”?

Of course you do.

And what did you do?  You took it.

Of course you did.

People, especially children, take great pleasure in defiance, as it can be very empowering.  How else are you going to know how much your mom loves those crystal figurines until you smash a few and find out?

Enter sex.

Contrary to much religious doctrine, humanity is a hugely sexual species – in fact, that’s how we reproduce.  Sexually.  But don’t try telling that to the United States’ Department of Education.  Instead of embracing the inherent tendency of adolescents to explore their experimental and curious impulses, the official policy, instead, is to not only endorse abstinence, but to preach it virtually exclusively.

That’s right, folks; the vast majority of the effort encourages the demonizing the horizontal polka, rather than telling kids that if they happen to act  human, they should do so safely (i.e. through condoms, spermicide etc.)

And gee golly Kimmy Sue, guess what there then happens? They go and do it anyway.  But since there hasn’t been any relevant education in preventative measures, it seems that “Catholic Schoolgirl” syndrome is on the rise, along with teen pregnancy, and the tent in Jimmy’s pants.

Enter Africa.

Here we have millions of impoverished people desperately seeking to shake loose the shackles of colonialism, overthrow the ruthless dictators left in its place, and find some semblance of progressive humanity that much of the Western world enjoys.

But the problem is that people are dying by the thousands, by a pesky little thing known as the Human Immunodeficiency Virus, and its angry offspring, Acquired Immunodeficiency Syndrome.

Africans from all walks of life, from the Algerian sub-Saharan, to the rape capital of the world, Johannesburg, South Africa, are dropping like flies because they can’t seem to suppress the continent-wide pandemic.

A big reason?  Christian dogma.

Sure, not all of it is bad, if you filter out all the contradictions, terrible advice, and lunacy…but then I guess you’re not really left with much once you put the red marker down.

But here we have the Pope, the spokesman appointed by God, but elected by men, declaring that abstinence is the true path to Jesus, and giving into our dirty, sinful, disgusting nature will give Jesus a hernia, or worse.

The incessant campaign is ridden with misinformation and disinformation, oftentimes claiming that condoms outright don’t work, or even more ludicrously, that they exacerbate the spread of AIDS.

Yeah, that’s right, they’re telling people that using domes will give them AIDS.

And praise the lord, they’re listening, in droves.

I think the Catholic Church was onto something in 1992 when they made the timely concession that Galileo may have, in actuality, been telling the truth when he asserted the Earth was not the centre of the Universe.

It’s about time society takes off its collective blindfold and kicks its malevolent addiction to faith and scripture.

I mean, most of us know now that it’s not demons that cause infections and disease, but bacteria and viruses.

The Church has done so much rewriting, apologizing, and backpedaling over the last 15 centuries that maybe we should realize that it’s not the word of a god, but the words of men; men whom eventually discovered pasteurization, atomic theory, and genetics.

Men that should endorse the use of condoms, in defiance of ignorance,  because it’s the humane thing to do.

But when was the last time religion advocated humanity?  I think we lost track of things killing each other in the name of our lord.

Peace be upon you.  Shalom Aleichem.  And As-Salamu Alaykum.

Although, I kinda think that those words have lost every last bit of their meaning.