“Let’s just call it what it is!”  proclaims local skank

Despite the annual tradition of roaming the neighbourhood clad in sartorial spookiness – and typically relegated to those aged 14 and below – a shockingly sexy trend has emerged in recent years.

Those too old to change costumes and hit up the same house over and over again – you know, the one giving out full-sized chocolate bars and other wicked-awesome candy – treat themselves to an entirely different brand of trickery: slutty and skanky trickery, arguably the greatest kinds of trickery.

Just for tonight, sweetie, I swear.

Maggy Bartz, a resident skank, explained how, “Halloween is, like, so much fun.  I get to go out and party with my friends and really let out my inner slut!”

The most popular costumes among the slutty are: Naughty Nurse, Copulating Cop, Freaky Physician, Whorish Horticulturist, Fellating Feline, Libidinal Lawyer, and Busty Bus Driver.

The greatest appeal, other than getting extremely cold and allowing one’s nipples to become erect while waiting outside bars and standing in artificially inflated lines in order to elicit the notion that the bar is busier than it actually is, is the thrifty nature of the costumes.

“Like, it’s so easy to make your costume slutty,” Bartz remarked as she enjoyed her out-of-season popsicle treat.  ”Like, you know, just take any regular outfit, and then strip down to your bra and panties.  Throw on a hat or a mask and bam! Game, set, match, LOL!  See, there’s another costume right there.  Just take a headband, a wonderbra, and a tennis racquet, grunt really loudly everywhere you go, and you’re a Titillating Tennis Player!”

“My therapist encourages me to go out on Halloween because of how much it helps my self esteem.  Plus he gets really excited when I bring him pictures from the bar.”

Health Canada has issued a formal warning urging adult trick-or-treaters to use protection, and and not to seek medical advice from naughty nurses, even if they profess profound medical knowledge, have latex gloves, and a bounty of flavoured lubricants.

"Don't worry, darling, I change the glove at least once an hour."

Only licensed medical practitioners are authorized to conduct prostate exams, unless you’ve had more than 12 beers, ’cause then you won’t remember anyway.

“I hear those guys have mad conditioning, Pavlov shit” remarks Shaq

The hit ABC series “Shaq vs.” starring NBA superstar Shaquille O’Neal is broadening its horizons and borders as Shaq travels to Afghanistan to prove that he, “Can be just as bad-ass an insurgent”, and, “went to NBA training camp, which I imagine is much like a terrorist training camp only without all the praying and firing of automatic weaponry”.

What will prevail? Black magic or magic carpets?

So far Shaq has encountered stiff competition from the athletic upper echelons, including bathing suit bad boy Michael Phelps, and Latino boxing champion Oscar De La Hoya.  Shaq believes he can kick the ass of any Taliban soldier in events of their choosing.  He’ll even forego the traditional handicap, including forfeiture of body armour and surplus water rations.

Taliban leader Mullah Mohammed Omar emerged from hiding to release a press statement.

Excerpts include his outright taunting of Shaq, declaring, “If this 7-foot infidel wishes to challenge my soldiers of God, then may the Great Satan expedite his delivery without delay,” Omar screamed, shaking his fist.

Shaq feels he can go toe-to-toe with any draconian establishment in formulating his own repressive and kick ass laws

“If his acting or rapping skills are any indication of his dedication to performing the tasks necessary in our fighting force, then may Allah show him no mercy.  It shall certainly be an explosive confrontation.”  There was a pause as the group of reporters displayed visible signs of unease.

“Get it? Explosive?  See what I did there?”

Shaq has several aces up his sleeve, including a lesser-known university minor in engineering, which will give him an edge during the improvised explosive device (IED) competition, as well as being able to pinpoint the structural weak-points in buildings targeted for bombing.

“I grew up in the hood, man,” Shaq told reporters and nervous sponsors.  ”If these idiots don’t think the Big Aristotle can pull his own with a rocket propelled grenade launcher, then they’re in for a rude awakening when I use it as a suppository.”

O’Neal proceeded to flex his biceps and do various body-building poses, immediately restoring faith from his critics.

Shaq is rumoured to be capable of bench-pressing three U.N. Peacekeepers and a camel

Shaq’s agent is particularly nervous about the Big Baryshnikov dabbling in desert warfare.

“Most people don’t know this, but Shaq’s real middle name is Hussein, so there’s anywhere from a 23%-57% likelihood of him defecting.  I suppose we’d still get to see him at the next Olympics, he’d totally run that Afghani team.”

Shaq has been studying day and night, ensuring his complete comprehension of sharia law, in the event of a clash with the locals.

“I can never remember that it’s always opposite limbs that are to be amputated after committing an act of theft,” Shaq said in frustration. “And that ankle and wrist exposure is a big no-no for the ladies.  How the hell am I supposed to win the charm, woo and oppress event if I can’t even see these broads?”

Shaq continues to polish his document-forging and spelunking skills.

Shaq vs. Taliban will air this Sunday at 8:00 on ABC.

Taliban leadership accepted O'neal's challenge after acquiring this file photo, explaining, "We will crush this homosexual infidel Godzilla and thrust him into the pits of eternal hellfire, or blow ourselves up trying."

Precedent could unravel fabric of bathroom etiquette

There is great fear throughout the female community this week as the groundbreaking case gains momentum and fervor from its ardent critics and supporters alike.

There exists an ongoing debate across gender lines over whether men should leave the toilet seat down, or women should leave the toilet seat up.

The dreaded "Porcelain Maiden" was the brainchild of a group of male engineers protesting the age-old tradition of leaving the seat down.

Alvin Dominguez of Santa Monica, California is suing his wife, Magdalena Dominguez, for his constitutionally protected right to leave the toilet seat in a vertical position after voiding his bladder of urine.

The little-known subset of the Second Amendment to the Constitution appears after the well-known, entirely reasonable, and not at all anachronistic preamble, “A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the People to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.  If said militia is required to use an outhouse, they must return the seat to an upright position so as to guarantee the comfort of any subsequent militiaman entering said facilities.”

A colonial soldier poses outside an outhouse, circa 1775. He was ambushed by four redcoats in the bushes after neglecting to bring his gun following the voiding of his bowels.

Mrs. Dominguez’s lawyer is arguing that an indoor bathroom in no way constitutes an outhouse, and should the current social standard become overturned, it could set a dangerous precedent, thereby condoning and encouraging men and women alike to enter bathrooms carrying muskets.

“I keep telling to her, ‘Just please to put the seat up after you finishing the lady business’, but no, she become all crazy,” remarked Mr. Dominguez.  ”She insist that it is me that putting the seat down!  I am calling for the justice!  Is this not land of free, home of the courage?”

Allegations by Mrs. Dominguez that she “nearly fell into the toilet water” on seven separate occasions were immediately dismissed as ineptitude and not looking at the damn seat before sitting.  The male judge became irate, angrily inquiring, “Do you cross the street without looking both ways?!  Then why would you put your ass somewhere without ensuring anal safety and comfort first?  ANSWER THE QUESTION!”

This hero was martyred on June 12th 2008.

Men’s Rights activists insist the current standard is reverse gender discrimination and women should be equally obligated to offer the seat in an upright position for the next user.

There are rumours of arbitration that may result in a settlement being reached as early as next week.  The compromise would see both the seat and seat cover left down, thereby requiring both men and women to raise either one or two pieces of plastic in order to do their business.

You've got to be kidding me...How about we just rip the seat off altogether, what do you think about that?

UFC President Dana White “…Very fucking impressed, he fucking smoked that guy”

The Ultimate Fighting Championship league is renowned for its propensity to employ only the most highly trained and conditioned athletes in the world, and London native Jimmy Smith more or less falls into that category.

“We’re always looking for explosive, impulsive, young fighters in the league,” remarked White as he rubbed his hands together in anticipation.  ”Smith showed enormous power and intensity as he rained a maelstrom of crushing elbows and mind-blowing knees as the perp was lying on his stomach, probably already unconscious.  That douchebag should have tapped.”

Smith is known to cruise around campus on his Segway, intimidating with his glares and crushing spirits with his wheels.

Unfortunately, Smith was unavailable for comment, as he is currently being investigated by the London Police for using “excessive force”.

Dana White is irate that the internal investigation could potentially delay millions in pay-per-view revenue.  ”This man should not be condemned, he should be applauded and compensated monetarily and sexually for his vigour; I particularly enjoyed his hammer-fists, and the excitement level increased exponentially as one of his partners used a baton to repeatedly strike the suspect.  What a great fight!”

The purse for Smith's first fight. Plus any cash or traveller's cheques in her purse.

Smith may also be offered a lucrative licensing contract by rapper Jay-Z, who wishes to sample the eerie-yet-catchy mantra, “Give us your arms!  Stop resisting!  Stop (muffled groans) resisting!”

Smith already has several fan websites dedicated to his bad-assness and is expected to make his UFC debut sometime in early November.

President sweeping laurels, accolades

President Barack Obama is raising waves and inquisitive eyebrows across the globe this week as he continues to garner recognition for his contributions to society and culture.

“I didn’t even know I was up for Best in Show,” Obama said at a press conference today.  ”I mean, I knew I totally owned the poodles at jumping through the flaming hoops, but I wasn’t even in the competition.”

Unofficial translation: "Obama wins Nobel Peace Prize. Uh, what the hell for?"

When asked for advice on coaching children’s hockey, Obama firmly asserted, “I’ve never even seen a hockey game on TV, let alone been to one.  I don’t know where these awards keep coming from, but I’ll sure take the $50 prize and tickets to the Capitals’ game.”

After winning the Nobel Prize for diplomacy last week, Obama is receiving nominations for all sorts of things he had no idea he was eligible or qualified for.

Experts agree that with his current momentum, he’s a shoe-in to win American Idol and Dancing with the Stars, despite his ability to neither sing nor dance.

Monochrome television is colourblind. We've come so far as a society!

“I’m, like, totally voting for the Prez next season,” affirmed Britney Hodges, an avid and rabid viewer of American Idol.  ”He’s, like, so much hotter than Taylor Hicks.  I didn’t vote for Obama in the election, so I feel I owe him at least 45 minutes worth of votes when the phone lines open.  He’s, like, totally the next American Idol!”

Obama is currently under consideration for the Nobel Prize in Chemistry after making a wicked cool volcano out of paper mache.

Nobel judges credit Obama's overwhelming victory to his work with cute East Asian infants.

Orally-emitted aural agony

It seems to me that a great deal of the general populace was not in fact raised in metropolitan or urban settings; rather, a barn was the preferred environment of upbringing.

One must not stray far before encountering one of these creatures, those beasts blissfully and perhaps deliberately ignorant of some painfully necessary social customs.

Yes, friends, I speak of noises pertaining to the mouth.

We’ll get one out of the way because this is simply impossible to ignore:  loud gum-chewing.

Don't pretend like you didn't at least imagine giving this kid a beat-down.

There are two stages of gum-chewing that make both my blood and chicken soup boil.

The first stage is the loud, chomping, tongue-lashing, laterally-moving jaw-dropping nuisance.  The experience always happens when you most expect it, i.e. when you’d really prefer not to endure it, e.g. in a closed environment such as a bus, waiting in line at the bank, or while rummaging through a dumpster for chicken discards.

The second stage, perhaps most mind-numbing because it’s incidentally something I’m unable to reproduce myself, is the snapping/blowing of bubbles.

Awwww...cutie PIE! Don't you just want to pinch those sun-damaged cheeks? I should warn you though: if the membrane of that gum breaks, your ass is grass, kid.

At least with the chewing you can sometimes push it to the back of your mind and out of focus for at least a minute or two before you remember it’s there and start listening for it again.  However, the crass, piercing, obnoxious snapping and erupting of bubbles often summons my inner murderous rage that I’ve been keeping mostly under wraps while I’m on parole for attempted vehicular manslaughter (I saw some guy chewing gum at a cross walk and couldn’t help myself).

Now that that’s out of the way, we can get to the real meat of the issue…the mechanically digesting meat.

Yes, friends, family, former lovers and current haters, I speak of the heathen who chooses to not only display his current meal to unwitting observers, but also to allow those unfamiliar with the effect that saliva has on preparing food for digestion, the marvelous opportunity to listen and become enlightened.  How gloriously magnanimous of you, kind sir!

No reasonable number of dirty looks, squinted-stares, or thrown cutlery ever seems to jar this violator from his mission to inflict torture and suffering upon those within ear/eye/spit shot.

"Hey, um, I should let you know I have an 8-inch hunting knife in my bag, here. Maybe we could work out an arrangement where all I do is dice up that delicious Granny Smith for you."

There are several levels of this infraction, as well.

The first is the unavoidable, incidental violation:  loud and crunchy treats.  These can be forgiven as a matter of course because it’s simply impossible to quell or otherwise muffle foodstuffs such as chips, apples, Melba toast etc.  However, it should be noted that the aforementioned leniency may only be extended until the first bite is taken, which leads me to the next level.

Level two is comprised of one eating chips or apples, and, after having made the first, agonizing crunch, continues to munch away, lips parsed, teeth bared, war incited.

The rhythmic reverberations lay an aerial aural bombardment on your precious sense of sound.  Is this worth going back to jail for? your mind nags.  I’ll fuck him up in the parking lot instead.

Unless you start beating this child now - and I mean immediately, Pavlov wasn't kidding around - it'll grow up to be a drug addict or Republican. Social ostracism goes hand-in-hand with loud chewing.

And finally, level three, the ultimate climax of such an unholy trinity:  the vermin who will chew loudly regardless of the composition of the food being tossed from one row of molars to the other.  Here we find another three levels of social defiance.  The first, lip smacking.  Second, tongue thrashing.  Third, a combination of both.

Is it really so difficult to simply close one’s mouth while eating?  You might as well be eating the rice with your hands, drinking wine through a straw, and foregoing pants at the table.

I don’t want to see, hear, or feel what you’re eating, asshole.

And those are some things that bother me.

Rampage of unspoken-social-contract violations leaves populace festering with rage, envy

“That Guy” has recently stepped up his activity in your local community, seizing any and every opportunity to show why he deserves to exclusively shatter all modern customs and conventions.

Despite numerous protests and petitions over the years to limit “That Guy” to mere misdemeanors and skullduggery, he has decided to not only cut in line at the supermarket, but also honk his horn at the old lady crossing the street.

That Guy is up to his antics again. Get a restraining order or a shotgun.

The rumour mill has been rife with hot-air-harnessing conjecture and speculation, with some turbines even suggesting that “That Guy” shot Kennedy, the sheriff, and your dog.

“No one is safe!” exclaimed Jimmy Johnston from your next town over.  ”‘That Guy’ has totally ruined my enjoyment of life.  The other day he picked a fight with the bouncer and I got tossed out because I was standing next to him.  I hate ‘That Guy’!”

“That Guy” was recently spotted entering your house without knocking, drinking the last beer in the fridge, and peeing without flushing.

That Guy totally ruined yet another picture. Good thing you'll take another 30 every time you go to the bar.

Your local parliament/congress/band of tribal leaders is currently discussing new laws that would see “That Guy” flogged the next time he does something horrendously offside, like hitting your car/mule without leaving a note or farting and not owning up to the deed.

A recent government report cautions all men in relationships to be on high alert, as “That Guy” is possibly coordinating with “The Other Man” to tag-team your girlfriend.

Ahhh, the good ol’ Islamic Republic of Iran.

Expert sabre-rattlers, rabble rousers, and patience-testers.

Nearly my all-time favourite theocracy, second only to the enlightening and liberating regime presiding in Saudi Arabia.

At least women can drive in Iran.  But I would hardly call the republic progressive.

So, yeah, um…about that uranium enrichment…what the hell are they thinking?

Evidently, prior sanctions imposed by the United Nations were but mere short water bursts from a Super Soaker 75. Sure, it’s a little annoying to get wet, but the water quickly dries.

Eager to panic and dismay the international community, insane asylum-escapee and current president of Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, decided now was as good a time as any to announce that Iran has not only scoffed at UN sanctions, but is in fact currently operating a second clandestine uranium enrichment facility.

Maybe they just want nuclear powered televisions or something.

Of course history tells us not to judge a book by its cover; a certain nation that shall not be named decided it was best to ignore the heedings of the UN and invade a sovereign nation under the false pretense that it was developing weapons of mass destruction.  We all know the story, as the weapons inspectors went in, unturned many stones, but, alas, found nothing other than conventional weapons (hardly casius belli for invasion and subsequent occupation).

Yet Iran is another story, entirely.

Here we have a nation that currently sits atop one of the world’s largest reserves of natural gas; yet, inexplicably and brazenly, declares that it seeks to pursue a nuclear program for “peaceful purposes” in order that it may provide “nuclear energy” to its citizens.  As my idol Judge Judy always says, “If it doesn’t make sense, then it isn’t true.”  Sorry folks, but it just doesn’t make any sense.

A common counterpoint that some offer is that there are already several nations in the region that possess nuclear arms, and they are hardly the benchmark of stability.  Most commonly referenced are India, Pakistan, and the kid that no one wants to invite to birthday parties:  Israel.

Israel is really what the whole situation is about, always has been about, and always will be about, so long as theocratic regimes seek to assert their god-given mandates to spread the word of Allah – by words, often; by breeding, if convenient; by the sword, if necessary.

Despite what apologists scream at cynics and realists alike, the Jews (hell, even democracy) is the sworn enemy of Islam.  And last I heard Israel was jam packed full of those pesky Hebrews.

Even though it’s never been officially stated, Israel is speculated and widely believed to be in possession of a healthy stockpile of nuclear warheads and the capability to deliver them – via rush courier with same-day delivery – should the need ever arise.

But that’s sort of the main point here.  What possible reason would Israel ever have to use thermonuclear weaponry? There is really only one plausible situation, and that is if its very existence was threatened – or assured to be snuffed out.

Let’s try for a moment to push to the back-burner Israel’s human rights track record and some of its highly dubious and questionable domestic policy concerns.  By no means should they be dismissed, but they aren’t quite relevant here.  The reason for that is, despite many Arab nations calling for the withdrawal of Israeli forces from the West Bank and Gaza, that would hardly settle the issue if Israel were to ever even consider complying.  Israel’s very presence in the region is perceived as an ever-present “f**k you” to its neighbours – even though it would like nothing more than to just be left alone.

So long as Israel maintains its own borders, has a standing army, and has Jews running the show, the Middle East will not be at peace.  I hate to say it, but it’s true.

Then we have the egregiously instigant regime in Iran, prodding and goading Western nations with its persistence and insistence on having enriched uranium.  But for what purpose?

Israel certainly won’t take the issue lying down, either.  They’ve explicitly stated that they will not permit Iran to wield a nuclear weapon, and will attack any facility preemptively to ensure it.

So there’s the standoff:  Israel on one side, vowing not to allow a nuclear Iran, and Iran on the other, going full steam ahead with its program.  So where does that leave us?

There are three possible outcomes.

First, Iran could back down after all this hoopla, let weapons inspectors inside, and face whatever consequences.  This would seem like somewhat of a fruitless venture, not really gaining anything from it all…just the ire of every reasonable and rational person on the planet.

Second, the most plausible scenario, but still extremely unlikely:  Iran provokes Israel into attacking, causing a fairly explosive local conflict which  would result in further instability in the region.

Finally, the least likely possibility:  Iran manages to continue on with its program, straps a thermonuclear warhead to a ballistic missile, and launches it Tel Aviv-bound.  Calling this outcome catastrophic on a global scale would be an understatement.  You better believe that Israel would launch all of its (speculated to be several dozen) warheads at Iranian population centres in a last hurrah before it meets its fiery demise.

But would that really happen?

Unfortunately there are many religious groups in the world who not only pray for the apocalypse, but believe it to be imminent – and, hilariously, every generation since the first century believed it to be within their lifetimes.  Most notably they are Christian wingnuts, but there are still some Jews and Muslims who would welcome the end of days. Are there any of these crackpots with their finger on the button?

It’s pretty obvious that President Ahmadinejad and Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei are hardly the cornerstones of mental stability.

Could they do it?

Could they provoke Israel into war, sacrificing potentially millions of its own citizens, in an effort to wipe Israel from the map?

It is conceivable that some secret treaties could quickly come to the forefront should Iran go to war.  Where China and Russia stand is oftentimes ambiguous.  Sure China owns most of the United States’ debt, which would probably keep them from siding against the US and its Western Allies.  But it could be equally as dangerous if a superpower like China were to remain neutral rather than declaring its intentions.

We get it Iran.  You finally made it to the party.  You’ve made your point.

Now back the fuck off, because the world is in no mood.

People just “aren’t doing it right” according to rabbis, priests, imams, and jerks

A groundbreaking study has shown that mumbling archaic phrases and chanting meaningless incancations does in fact have real-life implications.

Scientists in a double-blind-faith study at Oxford have shown with conclusive evidence that praying can cure disease, feed the poor, and even help you on your biochem final.

Clasping one's hands and chanting incoherently whilst swaying guarantees results!

Studies showed that students who prayed to their deity of choice – be it Jewish comedian and prankster “Tyrannical Temper Tantrum Yahweh”, or even paranoid schizophrenic Christian ominopetent creator “We’re so not polytheistic at all, Father, Son and Holy Spirit” the Holy Trinity of Coolness – yielded magnificent results.  By simply combining 30 rigorous hours of intense studying, note taking, note revising, note compiling, note memorization and other varying note conglomeration techniques, along with 50 hours of Latin, Hebrew, or Arabic jabbering, students scored on average 1.7% higher than without the 50 hours of prayer.*

Dr. Jesus Fernandez, the orchestrator of the new study at Oxford, is a huge advocate of prayer.

“Every night before I go to sleep, I kneel the on the floor, even though I have terrible knees,” Fernandez lamented.  ”I usually prayed for God to give me new knees, but I got sick of asking for all those years.  So now I just keep it simple and kindly ask him to not kill me in my sleep and let me live a new day.  Here I stand before you, today, knees quite sore, but very much alive.  Prayer works!”

Advocates of prayer are strongly against any charitable use of one’s time, whether volunteering at a retirement home or giving homeless people sponge baths.  The general sense is that God has a plan for everyone, so why meddle in his work?

Of the respondents, many felt that praying is far more effective than actually doing something to make change happen. One person whose identity is protected from the public but of course not the omniscient creator, explained, “Well, God made the damn planet and Universe and shit, so why should I waste my time housing tsunami victims?  I’ll just pray that they’ll get some rice and new clothes and my work is done.”

The study also revealed that by joining hands and assembling in groups of 100 people or more, the effect of prayer is multiplied by infinity plus 17.  Holding hands, closing one’s eyes, and tilting one’s head back allows for the prayers to be sent further out of the Milky Way, ultimately reaching God’s summer house in galaxy NGC 4603.

If you pray long and hard enough, the wall will grant you three wishes (not redeemable on Saturdays)

One respondent offered a wonderful anecdote about her personal experience praying to God and his subsequent benevolent mercy.

“My husband was flying home from Chile on a business trip, so I prayed for his safe return and that he wouldn’t be scarred in the facial area for any reason whatsoever.  While passing over the Andes, a lightning storm erupted and struck the plane, causing it to crash into the mountains.  Out of 287 passengers, my husband was the sole survivor!  It was a miracle from God!  I guess the other people on the plane just weren’t praying hard enough.  Too bad, so sad, LOL!”

The study was able to conclude that while there is clearly only one true awesome-guy-in-the-sky, unless you observe the correct holidays (but we’re not going to tell you which ones!), abide by the specific dietary laws, rest on the proper sabbath day, perform the correct ritual customs, fast on specified days for no real reason, and oppress or condemn those who do not follow these rules, you’re going to hell!

Some religious groups are collecting money in an effort to expand Hell’s facilities, as recent polls suggest the lakes of fire and sodomy pits are going to be way too crowded.

*The study contained a 2% margin of error

"Dear heavenly father, please ignite a raging inferno under the Detroit Lions' asses, we have our tithes riding on the spread."

“Cute Couples“

No, I’m not a hater.

I’m more of a strong disliker, irritated by the slightest of transgressions.

But I digress.

My beef is with the expression, “cute couple”.  I don’t have a particular issue with moderately attractive people who are neither gorgeous nor fugly.

“OMGz!  They are such a cute couple!  Aren’t they?!” queries your female friend.

What the hell does that even mean?  Standing side-by-side their combined cuteness increases exponentially?

Or each one of them is cute, so being together makes them a cute couple?  Wouldn’t that just be a couple of cute people?

Or are they so ugly that only their respective mothers can love them, and it’s sort of “cute” that they’re appearing in public?

My problem lies with the fact that it’s just such an empty and meaningless statement.  I’d rather hear criticisms of the girl’s boots or maybe that the dude’s sideburns are too long and he’s making both of them look bad.  But cute?

Sure, hollow and sometimes bellicose banter make the world go ’round, but cute?  Cute?

That word, too, irks my soul.  It’s not quite as bad as “cool” or “nice”, words that have lost their impact through overuse and incorrect context.

And don’t be a smart ass, pointing out “cool couples” or “nice couples”, now.

Although I suppose I’d be interested to meet a “cool couple”.  Do they live life on the edge?  Listen to Indy rock?  Shop at Holt Renfrew?

Gah, just don’t call ‘em cute.

And those are some things that bother me.