All Hallows’ Eve to be officially renamed Annual Skank Fest Extreme

“Let’s just call it what it is!”  proclaims local skank
Despite the annual tradition of roaming the neighbourhood clad in sartorial spookiness – and typically relegated to those aged 14 and below – a shockingly sexy trend has emerged in recent years.
Those too old to change costumes and hit up the same house over and over [...]

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Shaq vs. Taliban to Air this Sunday

“I hear those guys have mad conditioning, Pavlov shit” remarks Shaq
The hit ABC series “Shaq vs.” starring NBA superstar Shaquille O’Neal is broadening its horizons and borders as Shaq travels to Afghanistan to prove that he, “Can be just as bad-ass an insurgent”, and, “went to NBA training camp, which I imagine is much like [...]

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American Man Sues Wife over Right to Leave Toilet Seat up

Precedent could unravel fabric of bathroom etiquette
There is great fear throughout the female community this week as the groundbreaking case gains momentum and fervor from its ardent critics and supporters alike.
There exists an ongoing debate across gender lines over whether men should leave the toilet seat down, or women should leave the toilet seat up.
Alvin [...]

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University of Western Ontario Campus Police Officer Wins UFC Contract

UFC President Dana White “…Very fucking impressed, he fucking smoked that guy”
The Ultimate Fighting Championship league is renowned for its propensity to employ only the most highly trained and conditioned athletes in the world, and London native Jimmy Smith more or less falls into that category.
“We’re always looking for explosive, impulsive, young fighters in the [...]

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Obama Wins Best in Show, World’s Greatest Hockey Coach Awards

President sweeping laurels, accolades
President Barack Obama is raising waves and inquisitive eyebrows across the globe this week as he continues to garner recognition for his contributions to society and culture.
“I didn’t even know I was up for Best in Show,” Obama said at a press conference today.  ”I mean, I knew I totally owned the [...]

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999 Things that Bother Me: #990

Orally-emitted aural agony
It seems to me that a great deal of the general populace was not in fact raised in metropolitan or urban settings; rather, a barn was the preferred environment of upbringing.
One must not stray far before encountering one of these creatures, those beasts blissfully and perhaps deliberately ignorant of some painfully necessary social [...]

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“That Guy” Strikes Again: Just Ran a Red Light While Talking on His Cellphone, Took That Parking Spot You Were Patiently Waiting For

Rampage of unspoken-social-contract violations leaves populace festering with rage, envy
“That Guy” has recently stepped up his activity in your local community, seizing any and every opportunity to show why he deserves to exclusively shatter all modern customs and conventions.
Despite numerous protests and petitions over the years to limit “That Guy” to mere misdemeanors and skullduggery, he [...]

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Iran Tests Missiles, Patience

Ahhh, the good ol’ Islamic Republic of Iran.
Expert sabre-rattlers, rabble rousers, and patience-testers.
Nearly my all-time favourite theocracy, second only to the enlightening and liberating regime presiding in Saudi Arabia.
At least women can drive in Iran.  But I would hardly call the republic progressive.
So, yeah, um…about that uranium enrichment…what the hell are they thinking?
Evidently, prior sanctions imposed [...]

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Proof of Power of Prayer in Pious Pudding

People just “aren’t doing it right” according to rabbis, priests, imams, and jerks
A groundbreaking study has shown that mumbling archaic phrases and chanting meaningless incancations does in fact have real-life implications.
Scientists in a double-blind-faith study at Oxford have shown with conclusive evidence that praying can cure disease, feed the poor, and even help you on [...]

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999 Things that Bother Me: #991

“Cute Couples“
No, I’m not a hater.
I’m more of a strong disliker, irritated by the slightest of transgressions.
But I digress.
My beef is with the expression, “cute couple”.  I don’t have a particular issue with moderately attractive people who are neither gorgeous nor fugly.
“OMGz!  They are such a cute couple!  Aren’t they?!” queries your female friend.
What the [...]

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