China Calls in $1Trillion in U.S. Debt, Threatens to Nuke the Moon

Washington may be forced to turn Eastern seaboard into epic sweatshop to make payments With talks earlier this year of raising the national debt ceiling, it is now widely known that the United States owes a shit ton of money to China, and is apparently attempting a throw-back to 1920s-style reckless debt acquisition, since the [...]

British Cardinal Saddened by Progress, Laments Emergence of Humanity from Dark Ages

“I’m a giant douchebag!” Cardinal asserts In the wake of recent comments made by Dark Overseer Extraordinaire Pope Benedict XVI, where he poignantly pointed to political and cultural trends in the United States that seek to legalize the abomination/fundamental human freedom of legalizing The Gay (marriage), British Cardinal Keith O’Brien has sought further clarification. “Ok, [...]

Chuck Norris Suing the Internets

Attorneys claim damages in hundreds of trillions of Indian rupees The legal team of approximately four thousand lawyers, consultants and former  street-fighting champions have released a statement claiming the internets are singlehandedly and maliciously responsible for the attempted  (yet flummoxably unsuccessful) character assassination of all-around-bad-ass, American hero Chuck Norris. While exact records remain spotty, experts assert [...]

Toronto Mayor Ford Gets Creative with Revenue-Generating Ideas

Cash-strapped city in dire need of cash infusion as “Cash Man” Russel Oliver declines  purchasing mayor’s “shiny things” Mayor Rob Ford likes subways. He likes them so much, that he’s willing to build a very small quantity of them, while magnanimously offering the taxpayers the bill. Despite a plethora of evidence suggesting that light rail [...]

“I’d Like To Blame God” Quickly Becoming Latest Craze In Concession Speeches And Post-Game Locker Room Admissions Of Failure

God hatred runs amok in American heartland Reuterz A behind-the-scenes expose airing tomorrow night at 9 on Fox reveals the growing trend across the spectrum, from pro boxers to paraplegics to paraplegic former pro boxers. Thousands of crushing defeats at hundreds of high schools, sports stadiums, exam halls and chess matches across America are wreaking havoc on [...]

Social and Dating Revolution Grips World, Inner Rocky Planets

“Cheating” now considered “playing by the rules” The fine arts of philandering and whoring have achieved a monumental and “game”-changing coup – “Infidelity is the new fidelity,” says relationship and dating guru George “G Spot” Jamison, head of the Head Institute of New Hampshire. This paradigm-annihilating development will likely convert monogamy-abiding citizens into 21st century [...]

“Vacation Rental By Owner” Ad

We were tasked with writing an ad for a “vacation rental by owner”, with the caveat that we needed to advertise the place where we actually live.  Obviously all our dwellings are rental-worthy. To get started, Rick gave us the headline, “Right where you want to be.” He advised that by choosing a voice and [...]

Stair-Climbers And All Their Awesome Attributes

As a constant observer and often trailblazer of anthropology, I’ve noticed certain trends when people are confronted with the non-evolutionary phenomenon of staircases.  By no means are these behaviours relegated to the following descriptions but they are a tool to understanding why people climb stairs the way they do. The Gentleman The Gentleman oft keeps [...]

Sky-rocketing Energy Costs Push Parents to Install Giant Hamster Wheels

Oxford, UK In what many of the experts in the Child Labour Sector call a “bold and beautiful” move, parents nationwide are scrambling to implement new cost-effective measures to pay the bills. “Frederick would come home from a long day in Kindergarten,” explained Sophia, Fred’s mother.  ”He’d whine about how much exercise he had to [...]

Famine is so Annoying

Reuterz: The troublesome and unsettling news of a massive famine pandemic in Africa has left millions of Westerners in shock, disgust and dismay that they constantly have to hear about it. “Ok, I get it, I don’t give a shit anymore,” remarked Richard Kent, a man from Toronto.   He was queried outside Loblaws and [...]