“Cheating” now considered “playing by the rules”
Not that kind of cheating, douche.
The fine arts of philandering and whoring have achieved a monumental and “game”-changing coup – “Infidelity is the new fidelity,” says relationship and dating guru George “G Spot” Jamison, head of the Head Institute of New Hampshire.
This paradigm-annihilating development will likely convert monogamy-abiding citizens into 21st century lepers that not even the messiah could cure.
Analysts predicted that cheating may have lasted perhaps 20-25 years longer, unabated. Now, doing the dirty with dirty downstairs Dorothy can transpire – guilt-free - while within the confines of a loveless and fruitless partnership.
Many industry experts say the revolution will single-handedly force AshleyMadison.com out of business. The site has been the last bastion of the institution of cheating and its proponents are defiantly defending it. Once a profile is created, people engage in the time-honoured tradition of lying to their prospective partners and keeping local businesses’ doors open.
Why these two chicks would dare dig a dude whose idea of a good time is taking them out to a couch and staring at a blank wall is beyond me.
Jay Morrison, an industry expert from a leading New York advertising firm thinks this is good news for the condom and abortion industries.
“I’m really impressed with Infidelity’s aggressive re-branding,” remarked Morrison. ”Making marriage obsolete has been Infidelity’s modus operandi.”
The national guard was called to restore order in several American cities. An endless sea of abortion doctors engaged in massive orgies, dining on a feast of delicious first-term fetuses, flavoured with the ambrosia of stem cells and amniotic fluid.
“We’re partying like it’s 1899!” exclaimed Dr. Robert “The Vacuum” Jackson. He was of course referring to the golden (and occasionally gilded) age of spousal abuse and marital rape. ”With everyone fucking like mad, I get paid.”
Some television networks have also experienced adverse effects, as all 112 divorce court shows were promptly cancelled. Further relationship-relevant shows were axed, including the infamously incredible show “Cheaters”, which is considered the holy grail of legitimized, televised infidelity.
I'm pretty sure I heard that this guy got shanked while filming. Travesty.
Language experts at Cambridge University insist that the dictionary definitions for “cheating” and for “loyalty” should be flipped.
“The new societal norm will mean that cheating will refer to the sad, pathetic and loveless institution of lame marriage and commitment.”
Scientists at CERN – The European Organization for Nuclear Research – warn this change could endanger existence itself. Colliding sub-atomic particles at 99.9% the speed of light for shits and giggles, their work can sometimes be misconstrued or blown out of proportion. Dr. Heinz Shicklegruber lent his own 2012 Armageddon predictions, as he took a moment from shredding his divorce papers.
“Remember back in 2008 when everybody went bananas about the mini black holes we were possibly making? This is far, far worse. In an effort to fit in, people may try to “cheat” before they are even as yet “committed”, thereby creating a chicken-and-the-egg time paradox that could annihilate the fabric of spacetime and the Universe itself.
“But hey, you only live once.”
