As a constant observer and often trailblazer of anthropology, I’ve noticed certain trends when people are confronted with the non-evolutionary phenomenon of staircases. By no means are these behaviours relegated to the following descriptions but they are a tool to understanding why people climb stairs the way they do.
This infernal creation will ultimately make stair-climbers of all walks of life completely extinct and therefore quite, quite sad.
The Gentleman
The Gentleman oft keeps one hand loosely on the rail. His head looks straight up; to the future, to success.
The Lady
The Lady is in many ways similar to the Gentleman, only she grips the hand rail more tightly, like the control she has over her destiny. She will look up as the Gentleman does but will also look down at the steps, mindful of the terrible abyss her life may descend into should she misstep.
The Journeyman
The Journeyman is no stranger to staircases or low-rise apartment entryways. Usually upbeat, sending positive energy into the Universe, he may occasionally break into a short, arm-immobilized-at-sides-shuffle-climb. Each step is considered but the escalation becomes natural, endearing, making slight shuffling sounds like an elderly woman using a walker in a hurry.
What's difficult to ascertain from a still image is the fact that this man is actually descending 7 steps at a time, both backwardly and unapologetically.
The Hastened Traveller
While there exist a great many impetus for one to increase the speed and momentum of stair-climbs, the Hastened Traveller is willing to take more exceptional risk in elevating. This man will forego centuries-old established custom and convention of stepping one stair at a time; yes, he will put his arms in a running position and leap two stairs at once.
This uncommon approach – yet well worth the risk/reward - affects approximately 5% of the male population but is absent in the female population. We can clearly interpret a strong correlation and perhaps even a causal link between neurophysiology and the reaction of feet, calves, quads and knees to move.
The High School Running Back Football Champion
This type of stair-climber has been evolutionarily crafted to take full advantage of his clear environmental superiority. With years of formal gymnastic, aerobic, feint and juke training, the High School Football Champion represses the knowledge of his devastating off-field, career-preventing, keg-stand-sitting testicle crushing. He experiences blackouts, regaining lucidity amidst crowds of rushing rush hour rushers, ducking, weaving, gently patting-for-orienting as he flies by. From afar, he appears to be ascending a fast-moving escalator with no stairs. He will occasionally collide with innocent citizenry, prompting onlookers to display the sweeping condemnation of head shakery and general disdain.
Shit.
The Pensive, Deliberate Lunger
This defeated and pitiful approach leaves progressively more dignity behind with each successive step. Shoulders in and head down, otherwise known as the “I’m about to be executed by decapitation without trial” stare, he sucks life and sympathy from those nearby. Given up on life, ladies and the pursuit of dignity, the Pensive, Deliberate Lunger seeks pity no more than the love he received from his mother; which, incidentally, is negligible. Oblivious to those around him, the PDC is continually engaged in deep thought, mostly about how to maximize the minimum amount of effort needed to not trip and fall backwards into his perpetual misery.
Photographic evidence of gratuitous stair-climbing is widespread across the Google imageosphere.
