Oxford, UK
In what many of the experts in the Child Labour Sector call a “bold and beautiful” move, parents nationwide are scrambling to implement new cost-effective measures to pay the bills.
“Frederick would come home from a long day in Kindergarten,” explained Sophia, Fred’s mother. ”He’d whine about how much exercise he had to do at school because of the new laws passed in parliament, but there’s no way I’m buying it after how many hours per day he plays video games. We’re strapping him to that thing for 2 hours tonight,” in punishment for eating too much for breakfast, she said.
Parents may opt for the more economical cattle prod attachment. This picture shows how much fun can be had while watching or being in the wheel!* *These children may have been beaten prior to photos to make them more docile, in a most endearing way.
As the government implements measures to curb child obesity, parents are taking extra steps to ensure their children are healthy and single-handedly heat the flat.
“We’re on back order for about 4 years,” says “Shackles ‘n Things” owner Rupert Cumberbatch. ”We’re doing everything we can to increase production, but we humbly acknowledge the growing number of parents unable to heat their frozen chips and mash. We’re working with child labour gurus across the nation to guarantee we chain those children down for good. Or until they can be sold off into marriage,” an already dying English institution.
The 2,3, and 4 meter versions of “The Wheel” (no direct connection to the medieval torture device “The Wheel” in which criminals were strapped to spokes within the wheel and then proceeded to have their limbs crushed with giant hammers until they died of shock, dehydration, or starvation) have dual bolt action locks that guarantee no child will be left behind. Deluxe models pass a mild electric current through the wheel ensuring you can not only power the TV to watch Britain’s Got Talent, but also to heat the element for a baked bean breakfast on the morrow.
Owner Jim McPherson proudly demonstrates The Wheel before 10,000 volts of electricity are passed through in order to shock soft, supple, pre-teen children.
Children’s Rights activists have been strangely silent on the issue, likely due to the dirty dark secret that they enslave their own.
