I was perfectly happy until I met her.
Well, that’s not quite true, since I wasn’t totally thrilled beforehand. And her is actually him. And him is my imaginary playmate, Horratio.
Really, though, while my world wasn’t shattered by her simple assertion based on careful observation under strictly controlled laboratory conditions, the horrible truth reigned true: I have an accent.
I'm not really sure what I expected when I typed "accent" into Google Images. The results were devastating, despite the strong evidence for quality Korean craftsmanship and exceptional engineering.
Even though this wasn’t news (despite many people thinking they have no accent and it’s everyone else that has a problem (a view I used to hold)), I’d never really paid close attention.
Yet, after a delicious dinner at a delightful Chinese restaurant, her words resonated.
I’ve always thought that out of many of the American inflexions (California, Texas, New York, Massachusetts and anything south of the Mason Dixon line), mine was closest to the “neutral” accent in the D.C. area or just the East Coast.
My point is that, like many, I deemed myself normal. My friend, being from Western New York near the Canadian border, had discernible distinctions in her speech. I didn’t sit there documenting all the differences but the most evident was when she stressed short As, like “water” or “bad” or “had”. The best way I can describe it is nasal with a dash of pretentiousness.
Kidding!
No, it’s definitely nasal though. ”Water” would be pronounced “wahh-ter” or “bad” as “bayad”.
Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Except when we both began making fun of each other’s regional vocal discrepancies we started feeling – or at least I started feeling – progressively more ashamed.
Why should I be ashamed?
Plenty of reasons. One is that accent-stereotypes for Canadians are actually surprisingly true (while, like our American brethren, we still have regional differences e.g. Quebec, British Colombia, Newfoundland, Ontario).
Take for example my favourite animated series, South Park. Creators Matt Stone and Trey Parker are geniuses and masters in their craft. They also like making frequent jabs at us Canucks.
The song “Blame Canada” in the South Park Movie made light of our minimal impact on American society and culture (a fine juxtaposition of the strong influence the United States has on us).
I think most of us are over that one.
Soft leather seating, plenty of legroom, and highly attuned controls - no! No, not the damn car again!
I think it’s all about “about”. Or like you’ve likely heard it: as “a-boot”.
There was significant social unrest after the first gross misrepresentation, with violent riots in 437 Canadian cities, 47,300 people killed, and a successful coup d’etat by the Green Party.
(Wow. What a nightmarish fiction.)
Most Canadians familiar with this stereotype are quick to dismiss it but remiss to do so.
A heartfelt apology to my Canadian counterparts and comrades, but it’s true: we do say “a-boot”.
Sorta.
“AH. BOW. TEH.” She subtly stressed.
After saying “about” about 274 times (maybe I should have just recorded and played back my voice) I think I pinned it down. If I say it slowly it sounds like “Ah-Boud”, but quickly it sounds like “Ah-Boat” or “Ah-Boad” most of the time. The former can be easily misconstrued or deliberately distorted to sound like “ah-boot”.
Damn you, Hyundai Accent. Damn you to hell.
While this slow-creeping revelation spawned no revolution, it definitely incited a small revolt in the patience and irritation receptors in my brain (yet to be scientifically proved but they’re there, I promise you that).
With Canada’s sprawling Cultural Mosaic, the difference is more than evident. What I mean is, I’m under constant pressure from wildly different accents that it only serves to underscore, magnify and enhance the Canadian one.
I gotta get out.
Of the country.
Seriously.
Like a different hemisphere.
Denmark? Norway? Mongolia?
Maybe I’ll just simplify everything by finding a cozy monastery in the French hinterlands, forego all my worldly possessions, and take a vow of silence.
Problem solved.
