“Let’s just call it what it is!” proclaims local skank
Despite the annual tradition of roaming the neighbourhood clad in sartorial spookiness – and typically relegated to those aged 14 and below – a shockingly sexy trend has emerged in recent years.
Those too old to change costumes and hit up the same house over and over again – you know, the one giving out full-sized chocolate bars and other wicked-awesome candy – treat themselves to an entirely different brand of trickery: slutty and skanky trickery, arguably the greatest kinds of trickery.
Just for tonight, sweetie, I swear.
Maggy Bartz, a resident skank, explained how, “Halloween is, like, so much fun. I get to go out and party with my friends and really let out my inner slut!”
The most popular costumes among the slutty are: Naughty Nurse, Copulating Cop, Freaky Physician, Whorish Horticulturist, Fellating Feline, Libidinal Lawyer, and Busty Bus Driver.
The greatest appeal, other than getting extremely cold and allowing one’s nipples to become erect while waiting outside bars and standing in artificially inflated lines in order to elicit the notion that the bar is busier than it actually is, is the thrifty nature of the costumes.
“Like, it’s so easy to make your costume slutty,” Bartz remarked as she enjoyed her out-of-season popsicle treat. ”Like, you know, just take any regular outfit, and then strip down to your bra and panties. Throw on a hat or a mask and bam! Game, set, match, LOL! See, there’s another costume right there. Just take a headband, a wonderbra, and a tennis racquet, grunt really loudly everywhere you go, and you’re a Titillating Tennis Player!”
“My therapist encourages me to go out on Halloween because of how much it helps my self esteem. Plus he gets really excited when I bring him pictures from the bar.”
Health Canada has issued a formal warning urging adult trick-or-treaters to use protection, and and not to seek medical advice from naughty nurses, even if they profess profound medical knowledge, have latex gloves, and a bounty of flavoured lubricants.
"Don't worry, darling, I change the glove at least once an hour."
Only licensed medical practitioners are authorized to conduct prostate exams, unless you’ve had more than 12 beers, ’cause then you won’t remember anyway.
Ur pretty dirty