“I hear those guys have mad conditioning, Pavlov shit” remarks Shaq
The hit ABC series “Shaq vs.” starring NBA superstar Shaquille O’Neal is broadening its horizons and borders as Shaq travels to Afghanistan to prove that he, “Can be just as bad-ass an insurgent”, and, “went to NBA training camp, which I imagine is much like a terrorist training camp only without all the praying and firing of automatic weaponry”.
What will prevail? Black magic or magic carpets?
So far Shaq has encountered stiff competition from the athletic upper echelons, including bathing suit bad boy Michael Phelps, and Latino boxing champion Oscar De La Hoya. Shaq believes he can kick the ass of any Taliban soldier in events of their choosing. He’ll even forego the traditional handicap, including forfeiture of body armour and surplus water rations.
Taliban leader Mullah Mohammed Omar emerged from hiding to release a press statement.
Excerpts include his outright taunting of Shaq, declaring, “If this 7-foot infidel wishes to challenge my soldiers of God, then may the Great Satan expedite his delivery without delay,” Omar screamed, shaking his fist.
Shaq feels he can go toe-to-toe with any draconian establishment in formulating his own repressive and kick ass laws
“If his acting or rapping skills are any indication of his dedication to performing the tasks necessary in our fighting force, then may Allah show him no mercy. It shall certainly be an explosive confrontation.” There was a pause as the group of reporters displayed visible signs of unease.
“Get it? Explosive? See what I did there?”
Shaq has several aces up his sleeve, including a lesser-known university minor in engineering, which will give him an edge during the improvised explosive device (IED) competition, as well as being able to pinpoint the structural weak-points in buildings targeted for bombing.
“I grew up in the hood, man,” Shaq told reporters and nervous sponsors. ”If these idiots don’t think the Big Aristotle can pull his own with a rocket propelled grenade launcher, then they’re in for a rude awakening when I use it as a suppository.”
O’Neal proceeded to flex his biceps and do various body-building poses, immediately restoring faith from his critics.
Shaq is rumoured to be capable of bench-pressing three U.N. Peacekeepers and a camel
Shaq’s agent is particularly nervous about the Big Baryshnikov dabbling in desert warfare.
“Most people don’t know this, but Shaq’s real middle name is Hussein, so there’s anywhere from a 23%-57% likelihood of him defecting. I suppose we’d still get to see him at the next Olympics, he’d totally run that Afghani team.”
Shaq has been studying day and night, ensuring his complete comprehension of sharia law, in the event of a clash with the locals.
“I can never remember that it’s always opposite limbs that are to be amputated after committing an act of theft,” Shaq said in frustration. “And that ankle and wrist exposure is a big no-no for the ladies. How the hell am I supposed to win the charm, woo and oppress event if I can’t even see these broads?”
Shaq continues to polish his document-forging and spelunking skills.
Shaq vs. Taliban will air this Sunday at 8:00 on ABC.
Taliban leadership accepted O'neal's challenge after acquiring this file photo, explaining, "We will crush this homosexual infidel Godzilla and thrust him into the pits of eternal hellfire, or blow ourselves up trying."
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