Precedent could unravel fabric of bathroom etiquette
There is great fear throughout the female community this week as the groundbreaking case gains momentum and fervor from its ardent critics and supporters alike.
There exists an ongoing debate across gender lines over whether men should leave the toilet seat down, or women should leave the toilet seat up.
The dreaded "Porcelain Maiden" was the brainchild of a group of male engineers protesting the age-old tradition of leaving the seat down.
Alvin Dominguez of Santa Monica, California is suing his wife, Magdalena Dominguez, for his constitutionally protected right to leave the toilet seat in a vertical position after voiding his bladder of urine.
The little-known subset of the Second Amendment to the Constitution appears after the well-known, entirely reasonable, and not at all anachronistic preamble, “A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the People to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed. If said militia is required to use an outhouse, they must return the seat to an upright position so as to guarantee the comfort of any subsequent militiaman entering said facilities.”
A colonial soldier poses outside an outhouse, circa 1775. He was ambushed by four redcoats in the bushes after neglecting to bring his gun following the voiding of his bowels.
Mrs. Dominguez’s lawyer is arguing that an indoor bathroom in no way constitutes an outhouse, and should the current social standard become overturned, it could set a dangerous precedent, thereby condoning and encouraging men and women alike to enter bathrooms carrying muskets.
“I keep telling to her, ‘Just please to put the seat up after you finishing the lady business’, but no, she become all crazy,” remarked Mr. Dominguez. ”She insist that it is me that putting the seat down! I am calling for the justice! Is this not land of free, home of the courage?”
Allegations by Mrs. Dominguez that she “nearly fell into the toilet water” on seven separate occasions were immediately dismissed as ineptitude and not looking at the damn seat before sitting. The male judge became irate, angrily inquiring, “Do you cross the street without looking both ways?! Then why would you put your ass somewhere without ensuring anal safety and comfort first? ANSWER THE QUESTION!”
This hero was martyred on June 12th 2008.
Men’s Rights activists insist the current standard is reverse gender discrimination and women should be equally obligated to offer the seat in an upright position for the next user.
There are rumours of arbitration that may result in a settlement being reached as early as next week. The compromise would see both the seat and seat cover left down, thereby requiring both men and women to raise either one or two pieces of plastic in order to do their business.
You've got to be kidding me...How about we just rip the seat off altogether, what do you think about that?
