People just “aren’t doing it right” according to rabbis, priests, imams, and jerks
A groundbreaking study has shown that mumbling archaic phrases and chanting meaningless incancations does in fact have real-life implications.
Scientists in a double-blind-faith study at Oxford have shown with conclusive evidence that praying can cure disease, feed the poor, and even help you on your biochem final.
Clasping one's hands and chanting incoherently whilst swaying guarantees results!
Studies showed that students who prayed to their deity of choice – be it Jewish comedian and prankster “Tyrannical Temper Tantrum Yahweh”, or even paranoid schizophrenic Christian ominopetent creator “We’re so not polytheistic at all, Father, Son and Holy Spirit” the Holy Trinity of Coolness – yielded magnificent results. By simply combining 30 rigorous hours of intense studying, note taking, note revising, note compiling, note memorization and other varying note conglomeration techniques, along with 50 hours of Latin, Hebrew, or Arabic jabbering, students scored on average 1.7% higher than without the 50 hours of prayer.*
Dr. Jesus Fernandez, the orchestrator of the new study at Oxford, is a huge advocate of prayer.
“Every night before I go to sleep, I kneel the on the floor, even though I have terrible knees,” Fernandez lamented. ”I usually prayed for God to give me new knees, but I got sick of asking for all those years. So now I just keep it simple and kindly ask him to not kill me in my sleep and let me live a new day. Here I stand before you, today, knees quite sore, but very much alive. Prayer works!”
Advocates of prayer are strongly against any charitable use of one’s time, whether volunteering at a retirement home or giving homeless people sponge baths. The general sense is that God has a plan for everyone, so why meddle in his work?
Of the respondents, many felt that praying is far more effective than actually doing something to make change happen. One person whose identity is protected from the public but of course not the omniscient creator, explained, “Well, God made the damn planet and Universe and shit, so why should I waste my time housing tsunami victims? I’ll just pray that they’ll get some rice and new clothes and my work is done.”
The study also revealed that by joining hands and assembling in groups of 100 people or more, the effect of prayer is multiplied by infinity plus 17. Holding hands, closing one’s eyes, and tilting one’s head back allows for the prayers to be sent further out of the Milky Way, ultimately reaching God’s summer house in galaxy NGC 4603.
If you pray long and hard enough, the wall will grant you three wishes (not redeemable on Saturdays)
One respondent offered a wonderful anecdote about her personal experience praying to God and his subsequent benevolent mercy.
“My husband was flying home from Chile on a business trip, so I prayed for his safe return and that he wouldn’t be scarred in the facial area for any reason whatsoever. While passing over the Andes, a lightning storm erupted and struck the plane, causing it to crash into the mountains. Out of 287 passengers, my husband was the sole survivor! It was a miracle from God! I guess the other people on the plane just weren’t praying hard enough. Too bad, so sad, LOL!”
The study was able to conclude that while there is clearly only one true awesome-guy-in-the-sky, unless you observe the correct holidays (but we’re not going to tell you which ones!), abide by the specific dietary laws, rest on the proper sabbath day, perform the correct ritual customs, fast on specified days for no real reason, and oppress or condemn those who do not follow these rules, you’re going to hell!
Some religious groups are collecting money in an effort to expand Hell’s facilities, as recent polls suggest the lakes of fire and sodomy pits are going to be way too crowded.
*The study contained a 2% margin of error
"Dear heavenly father, please ignite a raging inferno under the Detroit Lions' asses, we have our tithes riding on the spread."
