“Gots to keep them pesky Mexicans and Ayrabs out”
In a bold attempt to guarantee border and national security, the United States has successfully conquered the crater-ridden fields of Mercury, the closest planet to the sun, and incidentally, the farthest from Neptune.
The United States has been developing plans for decades to install a missile-defense system on the planet in its attempts to thwart terrorist attacks, both terrestrial and galactic.
Critics of the $4.7 Trillion venture claim that a similar defense shield could have been erected on the moon at half the cost.
Admiral Alan Amadeus counters that due to Florida getting overpopulated, a “crusty old folks’ community colony” could concurrently be installed alongside the the military installation, creating a “similar death-imminent environment available only in the finest retirement establishments that Florida currently has to offer.”
The general also has friends in the US Treasury whom wholeheartedly endorse the impending launch of approximately 40,000 seniors towards the sun at fantastic speeds. Due to the recession and the mollywhopping the pension fund has taken, placing seniors on the closest planet to the sun will hasten their deaths as a result of Mercury orbiting the sun in 88 days.
Liberal scum have condemned the Mercurial base to be inherently grossly inefficient, due to it taking several hours for rockets from the planet to intercept missiles or immigrants on Earth. Such condemnation has been labeled by Conservatives as “big-time pussy”, “un-American”, and “lacking vision in the great aspiration for monumental government pork projects”.
The government plans to have the base in space in place in time for the 2012 presidential race.
In other news, the Bank of America has launched its revolutionary “telepathic banking” option, allowing customers to make deposits to their accounts by simply imagining so. Critics allege that it was the pilot campaign that plunged the world’s economy into a recession due to a select few imagining deposits in excess of France’s gross domestic product.
Details to follow.
