Glasgow, Scotland
Exciting new research released today brings hope to millions around the world who previously viewed their lives as irrevocably damaged and irreparable through years of toil and suffering. The power of positive thinking is back with a vengeance, and it’s going to make sure you get yours.
In various controlled studies across the British Isles, leading scientist Dr. Haggis McDonald engaged test subjects in varying degrees of superstitious activities. The findings were profound.
The first test involved several subjects being placed at traffic lights with a red walk signal and were told to act in the best interest of saving time. The people were convinced that by repeatedly jamming the button to activate the walk signal, the lights would change faster; surprisingly, they did! With the lights changing in a matter of minutes, the subjects danced through the intersection with glee. Tragically, four subjects were struck by a bus. Two others complained that the “little white man” should reflect multiculturalism and perhaps be brown.
The second experiment was similar in nature, and pitted subjects in the lobby of high-rise apartment complexes that gained city-wide notoriety for their excessively slow elevator service. The subjects were given similar instructions as the street test, and proceeded to excessively press the “up” button for the elevator. Defying logic and physics, the result was astounding: on average, the elevator arrived eight seconds faster!
The third experiment followed two subjects to family members’ birthday parties over one year ago. The subjects were instructed to ensure that they informed the birthdayees to “make a wish!” and not to “tell anyone!” When asked later what the people wished for, both said “good health for my family and friends”. The results proved that birthday wishes do in fact come true, as no family members or friends died or contracted life-threatening illnesses in the following 365 days.
The fourth experiment was conducted alongside the first one, involving those who used public transit. Test subjects were deliberately prevented from leaving their respective homes on schedule, resulting in a mad rush to the bus stop. Invariably, each and every time, the bus was pulling away from the stop upon their encroachment of the sacred bus shelter. The subjects chased after the bus, screaming, frantically waving their hands, demanding “stop this instant! I command you to halt!” While it was impossible for the driver to either see or hear these desperate people, the bus stopped, and sometimes even reversed, to allow for them to board. Flawless execution.
Dr. McDonald claims that despite there being no logical explanation for these direct correlations, the fact that people so strongly believe that knocking on wood or crossing themselves will cause good things to happen, allows for unique anomalies defying physics and thermodynamics.
A new study will begin next month on the effects of flicking the top of pop cans that have been shaken excessively.
interesting