Scenes of matricide, patricide, fratricide and genocide deemed “too risque for mainstream”
The epic film project, dubbed “Episode 673: Jehovah Strikes Back”, has experienced intermittent production delays for nearly 4 millenia. Filmmakers Michael Bay, Jerry Bruckheimer, and their private production studio submitted the 47-hour first-cut to the national ratings board, only to have it unilaterally rejected. The board would not give it a pass without affixing the notorious NC-17 classification.
“What we really wanted to capture here was the essence of the Old Testament, in a truly authentic multi-period piece,” explained Michael Bay, as he proudly displayed the storyboards for the 3-hour Noah’s Ark segment. “Do you see all that water? That’s God’s wrath, you know.”
Bay and Bruckheimer, enthusiasts for film accuracy, character development, and chase scenes that reside exclusively within the realm of reason and logic, continue to fight the board on its ruling.
“Those bastards at the ratings board think that the spontaneous combustions and the massive explosions during the Exodus from Egypt are far too graphic,” Bruckheimer explained. “They also claim that the explicit sex scenes involving Moses and 117 virgins on Mount Sanai are not only excessive, but not even in the bible! Now, sorry, but as a filmmaker, I take certain liberties, and it’s pretty obvious from my extensive research that after Moses hit 100, he started pimping mad bitches.”
Much controversy resides in the brutal violence, xenophobia, racism, genocide and allegorical implications (such as talking snakes, 700 year-old men, and 40-day floods) that are depicted in the film. Never before in history have such extreme depictions been allowed to enter the mainstream, save for the bible itself.
There have been numerous protests by church officials and irate parents, claiming the movie to be excessive, despite children being indoctrinated with these stories, beliefs, and customs as early as the age of 10 days.
“We’ll continue to fight the board,” proclaimed Bruckheimer as he made over-arching gestures with the Moses’ staff prop. “If Moses could part the sea and get everyone to follow along, then surely we can make this thing happen.”
The film is scheduled for a 2014 release with Adam and Eve bobbleheads for every ticket purchase – fig leaf optional.
seriously? Can’t wait for it to come to a ‘theatre near me’.